The last two days I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want. And curiously, that wasn’t even my intention.
Yesterday I arrived to school to face the most annoying subject I have: Logic. When we started three months ago I was thinking it would be fun; most of my friends had taken it already and they talked about magic squares and playing chess in class. It turns out every teacher gets to do their own curriculum, so I got the only one who actually cared about the subject. And now we’re doing some boring exercises and the teacher doesn’t admit when I have the correct answer. I got so tired of it I even offered money to the teacher for a note (even being at the top of the group). And that made me think. Am I really the kind of person who would pay for not taking a class that I don’t understand? I’ve always valued knowledge over all, and now I’m bribing teachers because I don’t like to wake up early. After thinking it a long time, the answer is: I’m not sure. Luckily the teacher didn’t accept, and I can get that out of my mind for a while.
Later that day, I was walking to the Languages Learning Centre with some classmates I don’t really know but I like. We were chatting a little bit, or so I thought, and I don’t know how the conversation became an interview about my life plans. Apparently, they think of me as a really smart person (I honestly am, but not in the level they see me) and they were asking because they want to take my advice. Now, I’m always asked for help in French and Italian classes, and I see that as normal because my whole life has been like that. But after talking with these guys I felt like I’m some sort of wizard. They wanted me to tell them everything: French or Italian, translation or education, who’s the best teacher, how am I thinking on getting my degree (research, exam, suma cum laude…), where do I want to go in student exchange, what will I do for living… I was shocked. I haven’t even thought about all that and suddenly I’m telling people how to live their lifes? I’m not a role model; in fact, I’m close to the opposite of that, not knowing how to interact with people and not even caring about my homework or my notes (teachers are always complaining that I don’t do my homework and somehow I get great notes at the tests). I don’t want to be a know-it-all, I hate that people. I don’t want to be seen as someone who feels superior to his peers. I don’t. Actually, I’d give up to half of my brain to be able to enjoy what I have and make a nice, calm life. But I never have enough, and even when that’s good for some things, it sometimes makes me unhappy.
After they finally left to class and I could stop answering questions, I headed to class. The rest of my day was normal, excepting for the incident that gave name to this article. I saw Neko with a male friend (I’ll make a short retrospective about her soon). She was being really cute, and I felt jealous. She came to say hello and when she left, another friend asked me if she was dating someone. I shut him up and left.
Now, this might seem normal for most people; just a guy liking a hot girl and not wanting to see her with anyone else. But it might get weird once you start questioning your definition of “hot girl”.
Neko is not the typical girl, and I mean it in every sense. She’s 1.40mts tall, she’s thinner than a model and she has no obviously attractive… curvy lines (c’mon, you know what I’m talking about). In fact, if you didn’t see her at the uni, you could probably believe she’s… a 13 year old. The only word to properly describe her is “tiny”. Her hair is too long, her eyes are too big and she has a childish look. She wears animal-printed sweaters too big for her, she has a cat-like personality and she is sometimes naive. You would think nobody in a university would seriously see her as dating material, but I’m not alone in this. There are at least four guys I know who liked her or tried to flirt with her. And realising I was on the list triggered a bunch of questions in my head. Do I like her? Or is this a fetish? Do I find 13-year-olds attractive? Am I a pervert? Would I date her? Should I date her?
Now, considering the fact that I look older than I am (someone told me I look like I’m 25) this could be a serious problem. If I decided to date her and we went out and we started kissing in a public place, in the best scenario people would give me judging looks. In the worst, I could actually be in legal problems. Not to mention my friends would label me forever as a Lolita fetishist. But on the other hand, I might be losing a chance with a great girl because I care too much about what people says. She’s a sweet girl, I like her, and I don’t like to see her with other guys. This is more complicated than I expected.
The rest of the day was nothing to talk about, and today I didn’t do too much. I had Logic class again (I hate it, I really hate it), I learnt a few words in French and I finally got to hang out with the guys. They taught me how to play poker, and it was fun. We didn’t go to the congress for money reasons, so obviously we weren’t going to bet with real money. We used Monopoly money, and we kept it to keep playing the rest of the congress time and see who won the most after the crew comes back.
Later I found out that tomorrow will be an Italian reading marathon. If you haven’t gone to one before, it’s pretty simple: the organizers pick a book and make a schedule where you can sign in. It can last from minutes to several hours, and you choose the schedule you have free (ten minutes, more or less) so you don’t actually have to stay the whole marathon. You arrive around your time and they give you a part of the text to practice. On the stage there are a few readers waiting for their part, and the rest is watching. When one ends, the next one takes the book and reads out loud. Well, I couldn’t sign in on time, but the teacher in charge told me to go anyway because sometimes emergency readers are needed in case someone doesn’t com or has to leave before reading. I hope I can participate.
Well, I think that’s all I have to say. The three things I learnt today were:
1. – How to play poker.
2.- When it’s about love, sometimes size does matter. And not in the way you’re thinking.
3.- I can read Italian well enough to have the confidence to participate in a reading marathon. I hope I do it fine. Wish me luck!
Next post: Retrospective: Neko, a mistery girl