Yesterday I finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I think it’s a beautiful book, although the end is sadder than I expected. However, reading it I realised another way I’m like Charlie: I put everyone before me. As Sam says in the book, “You can’t just sit there and put everyone’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things.” And that’s my problem. I don’t do things. When I wanted to kiss Neko, when I wanted to kiss Curlz, when I asked Whovie out, all those times I’ve had a single thing in mind:
“What if she doesn’t want it?”
Well, how am I supposed to know without trying? I have been doing things wrong all this time. I should not ask myself if she wants it. I should ask myself if I want it. I am so worried about offending my friends that I put my emotions at the bottom of the list. And that has lead to loneliness and depression more than once. I repress my feelings and not talk about them with anyone, especially with the people involved. I even started a blog for that. Because I have no one to talk with. But that’s my fault! I never saw it before, but it is. Spending so much time in libraries only taught me to keep silence and not disturb the grownups around me. I must do something to fix that. I need to start taking responsibility for my actions, but first I need to learn to act. I need to do stuff, or I will never have anything.
In other areas of my life, though, I am acting already, and my attitude is way more positive. I went to the pawn shop looking for objects to sell and it turns out everything is more expensive than I thought, meaning that I will have to look for other ways to get money. Nevertheless, I will not take the office job I had considered, because apparently I need to go back to school tomorrow to get some grades and that will take two days of my already short vacations (not really too short, but enough to not get two months of salary). Anyway, for now I already got a few surprises: first, my grandma gave me some money for clothes (I really need new jeans, but I think I can save a few cents for my personal pleasure) and I also got an unexpected photo session.
The story goes like this: As I might or might not have mentioned before, my dad is a musician in a church, and he’s the director of the choir. Well, there was a choirs’ concert last Saturday and ours was invited to perform. I refused to participate because I had not rehearsed a single time, but I still went because I really like choir music, particularly around Christmas time. One of the singers of our choir is a professional photographer and he wanted to get pictures of the event, so he left me his Polaroid and taught me how to use it. I am not a photographer myself, but I used to do short films (which I don’t anymore because my cameras are terrible and I never find actors) so I know a bit about how to get a good shot. Well, while I was taking the pictures a woman from one of the other choirs asked me what I was going to do with those pictures, and after consulting with camera guy he told me that I had all the right over them since I did all the work. So she offered me to buy them and suddenly other two women in that choir wanted them too. I gave them a reasonable price and they paid in the act, so it appears that next week I’m going to deliver them. I don’t even have a printer, I’m going to take them to a cheap place in the city, but for now I think I can get a victory ice cream for that.
And although I already finished the semester, I had an idea for school. I was on Facebook the other day, not really doing anything, when I saw Pseudohipster’s status.
“Some people think that because they read and write, they can read and write”.
I think it was interesting, because there are some writers that don’t really have talent but their books are somehow bestsellers (and I’m looking at two particular popular sagas that are a shame for their genres). I was going to comment something stupid, but then I remembered she’s a writer and she was on the Literature course this semester (I didn’t because they always work with Mexican books and I’m not really into the local style). So I asked her if there was a Writing course at the uni and she said no, and that it was a shame. And then I had an idea.
“Hey, why don’t we start one? A Writing club for the school’s talents. I write, you write, Rookie writes; we could put a poster on the library and get together to share our works and help each other with grammar and style.”
Both of them said it was a great idea, and I decided I’m going to do it. I’m going to start a Writing club at the uni. Of course, it will not be official, because that would require a teacher and a lot of paperwork, but it will be a helpful tool for us and for the other writers. In a place where almost nobody has an interest for the literary arts, we could make a difference. We could create it and make it a common thing, like in the old days. Our city has a lot of poets and novelists in its history, and I always thought those talents were inherited. So there’s the spark, it only needs fuel to become a fire. And I think I know how to get fuel.
The last thing new in my life happened today. After reading a lot about it and thinking it for weeks, I decided I should play Team Fortress 2. I know, it’s not a big deal, but it did force me to get a Steam account, which means that I now have a commitment to pay for my games. I’ve always believed in piracy as expression freedom, as a way to rebel against the capitalist system and give liberty to the art and… all right, I’m just poor. The point is I have never really paid for anything I consume, although I always believed that when I had the money I should do it. And this here is the start. I’m saving money for a Steam Box and when it comes out and I can afford it I will start buying games and playing them legally. And I can start now. It feels well to do it and although I will miss the link-hunt (my personal sport) I will enjoy the things I like at its top quality.
Now, if they could just start transmitting Doctor Who on basic cable…
The three things that I learnt today were:
1.- Love is about giving, but also about receiving. If you can’t receive it, you won’t be able to give it, so it’s Ok to look for yourself first sometimes.
2.- Money is not an important thing to worry about; it comes and goes when you don’t expect it, especially if you know someone with a Polaroid.
3.- The best way to develop a talent is to share it. That’s why there are Writing clubs and Team Fortress servers all around the world.