Paranoia and Literature

It’s been a while! I’m at the city to get my schedules for this semester and I got a few things to tell.

This few days I have only been thinking about writing, and I discovered several things I didn’t know about myself. First of all, I found out why I get stuck so often when I write: it’s the language. You see, I am (or was) used to write in Spanish, a language full of synonyms, verbal tenses, speech levels, complex vocabulary and ethimological madness. Usually, when I write in Spanish I have to worry about using vocabulary or grammatical structures that are too complex for the average reader, or over-simplify it. And the rules about repetition of terms and narrative speech force you to stop every two sentences to make sure you didn’t repeat a word too often. In English, though, even when most of those rules still exist, they are less strict and the simplicity of the language make it easier to spend less time thinking about styles and more thinking about the enrichment of the story. So I started translating my book and I found that there were many holes that needed to be repaired, and it’s now easier for me to do.

More good news: the writing club officially exists. Today I spoke with my two founder members and they told me they had two other members, so now I’m with… Pseudohipster, Pseudogay, Aristocat and Rookie. Well, variety is not exactly the first thing that comes to mind, but I’ll make it grow. I already prepared the advertisement I’ll put in the library and it looks nice. I hope there are more writers for the club to grow. I’m planning on great projects to work on.

On the other hand, I think I’m losing my mind. These last few days my head is full of weird thoughts and paranoia, especially in love issues. By now, if you have been following the blog, you might notice that I have no hope at all of a relationship with Curlz. I live with this truth without giving it much thought, because after all, there are things in life that cannot be changed. But now I am starting to doubt about it thanks to the events of last night. It might be related to my recent lack of sleep, but it might be real, and that’s what confuses me the most. I need some external light on this issue.

It all started when I posted on Facebook that I can’t take Portuguese this semester. We talked about it a bit and Curlz asked me to help her on Japanese. I told her yes, and I took the opportunity to ask her to teach me about cars, because recently the prices of all public transportation rose to ridiculous numbers and I’m starting to think it might be cheaper to get a car. Anyway, I asked her because I remember hearing her once talking about car models and motors and all that stuff… or so I thought. Because after she told me it was not her, I realised I was actually confusing her with Whovie. I jokingly told her and immediately regretted. But the interesting part here was that right after I posted that, in less than twenty seconds she had logged out to not come back. I waited for half an hour for her to say something but she did not. And the following three hours, my only time to sleep before I had to start getting ready for the inscriptions (the subjects are chosen by the student and those who arrive earlier have more freedom to choose their schedule), I could only spin in my bed about how things were with Curlz. Why did she react like that? Or, better, why did she not react? Did I do something, was what I said an offence? Was she jealous? Was she being overprotective? Was everything just a coincidence and my pre-inscription paranoia did everything in my head?

I couldn’t sleep because I was trying to figure that out. The good side: I was the first one on the line. The bad side: My head is killing me. I asked Pseudohipster for her opinion, but she couldn’t answer because something got in the way. I have been thinking that maybe showing her the blog would help me dissipate my doubts; after all, she has a colder head than me and she doesn’t win or lose anything from me being or not being with Curlz. Besides, I only trust her.

I think my head will explode if I keep awake, so the three things I learnt were:

1.- People in my state have a great history of writers, poets and novelists, even with one or two essayists.

2.- When it’s about love, an external opinion can be a good help.

3.- I shall not type with my eyes closed.

Peace,

Écrivan

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