No she’s not.

No she's not.

I just saw this on Facebook and I couldn’t believe it. God knows I’m rarely sympathetic to people I don’t know. I usually don’t even look at hungry children on documentaries. But this… this makes me want to cry. This was not a poverty issue, or a disease, or an accident. This is a girl who does this to her body because she want’s to. And people APPLAUD it. This is wrong. Not only that, this is sick. How can anyone- no, how can society push a person into thinking this is beautiful? that this is perfect? This isn’t how people should look like. There are starving children in Somalia who look healthier than this! And although I’m angry about her doing it to her body, if I could find the stupid Tumblr monster who commented this I would shot her in the face. This is not perfect, this is a poor sad girl with no self-esteem who should get medical help and WHERE ON BLOODY EARTH ARE HER PARENTS??? Or her friends? Or her boyfriend, or girlfriend, or whatever? Where are the school counsellors? Where’s the priest or the pastor of the community? Where is CSP? Where is her boss, if she has a job? Why has no one done anything to avoid her getting to this point? How is it possible that no one in her life noticed anything slightly weird about how thin she is?

I don’t blame this girl for her situation. I blame society. Society made her think she was fat. Society ignored her when she was getting sickly skinny. And worst of all, society is telling her she is PERFECT this way. This world makes me want to vomit.

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It’s time to be brave

Hello! Remember how I told you I’d be here in less than a week?

Well, fortunately or not, I haven’t fallen in love again, or at least I don’t think I have. I have been wrong about this before, but this time I hope I’m not. I’m happy with my current situation for now.

Well… actually…

Let’s start with the beginning, or the end if you’re reading this as a serial. After the events on my last post I was thinking for a long time about Whovie. And by long time I mean two days. I went through the five stages of grief in less than 36 hours and then I didn’t feel anything about it. Nothing at all. I coped with my rejection in record time considering I was crazy about this girl for almost two years.

This made me wonder about the way I react to situations and I noticed something. I was not afraid of being rejected by her. I was afraid of asking. It was the action that held me back, not the consequences. And this started driving me crazy. Why did I act this way? Or better, why did I not act? What’s wrong with me that I can’t talk about something even when I know it’s going to be Ok and I won’t care after a few hours?

And then I realized the real problem with me. I’m not brave. I don’t have the courage to act about my feelings, or pretty much anything. I chose my major by luck, I started my business because I didn’t want to work for someone else and now I can’t tell a girl when I like her. I spend ten minutes at the store trying to decide if I want Lays or Cheetos. So I decided that before I keep going on my pursuit of love, I will take a break and focus on something more important: the road to bravery. I need to become brave. I need the courage to act upon my wishes and beliefs. I must become able to do what I want. I saw a pocket watch I loved a few days ago (remember, I’m a nerd with hipster tendencies) and I had the money to get it in my pocket. I told myself “Just YOLO up and buy the darn thing!” but after a few seconds I chickened out. It was a watch, for the Lord’s sake! I hate that. I hate not being able to buy some fancy, useless shiny object when I can afford it just because I’m scared. So my new goal is to become a brave person, and I will avoid romantic feelings until I do.

Saturday I went with Toph to a picnic her church was organizing, and it was pretty fun. It reminded me of the camp I go to every summer, so I invited her and she said that if I can convince her mother she will come. I hope she does because it gets amazing; I’m kind of a celebrity around so that’s the only place where I feel brave and act the way I want. It’s where I first asked a girl out. It’s where I sang in front of a hundred people and didn’t get nervous about it. It’s where I’ve written and presented several plays and the only place where I play sports. So I want to be there again this year, and I want her to see me at my best.

On school topics, I failed at signing up for the CILS exam, so I won’t be presenting it even when the teacher said that “io parlo ottimo l’italiano”. I will at least be at the reading marathon this year, so that’s something. And on Japanese I’m sad to inform that my exposition about Okonomiyaki will be postponed indefinitely. I was having fun with it, so too bad 😦

On happier news, I reconnected with a friend from primary school! Well, sort of. Ten years ago, I moved to her town and for three years she was behind me. Not in a literal sense (as far as I know) but she was this happy girl who tried to cheer me up when I was too serious and with whom I had a school rivalry, sort of like Hermione and Harry on “Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality” (I believe I already talked about it). We were pretty much even in almost any academic aspect, because I had the advantage of having read more books than most people do in their lives by then, and the problem of being too lazy to do my homework. Anyway, we had our ups and downs, and now she’s studying on my campus and her English class is next to my Japanese class. Things have changed and now she acts the way I did back then, pretending she doesn’t like to have me around, but she’s had plenty of opportunities to get rid of me and not only she hasn’t, yesterday she asked me to walk with her to class, so I’m pretty sure she’s just being a bit tsundere about spending time with me. We’ve been having a good time, and even though she says she doesn’t care about me, she keeps asking about my past and telling me hers, and that’s enough for me to consider it a solid friendship.

The writing club is stuck. Not because they don’t work, because they do, but they don’t upload their stories and we haven’t been able to start publishing. On the plus side, we have now two honorary members, so that’s good. But I am concerned that they might not care enough of the project to continue it. Next Thursday I’m going to try to talk about it, and I hope we can settle it before it’s too late.

So this week I learnt three things:

1.- Friendship can come in many forms, and even if it doesn’t look like it, it can be cool of played smoothly.

2.- Love might be the most important thing, but without bravery, it won’t be able to grow.

3.- Sometimes bravery comes from a place or a person, not only from ourselves. Finding a source of bravery can be the key to happiness.

Peace,

Ècrivain

Ps: What do you think about the new theme? Comment!

I spat it out! [End of Whovie & Curlz saga]

Well… I finally did it.

I just told Whovie how I feel about her. I know it took me too long, I know it wasn’t the best moment for it, but… I’ll tell you about it later. First, I got some other little things I want to share.

This week I had a school holiday and a national holiday, resulting in a five-day weekend. It was nice to finally get some decent sleep, but my computer decided she didn’t want to keep working so I had to go to Zuko’s house so he helped me fix it. We were watching How I Met Your Mother while the computer rebooted, and I finally found some useful advice. For those who don’t know it, the show is about Ted Mosby, a guy on the future who is telling his children… well, the title pretty much explains it. Anyway, Ted was talking about someone he found from the past, and when she rejected him, she told him the reason: he would never be able to move on until he dealt with his feelings about Robin.

And then I saw the light. That was why I ruined my last relationship, the one after She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I won’t be able to move on until I fix things with Whovie. And yesterday Pseudogay gave me an advice that really, really helped: “Why don’t you tell her in another language? You both speak English, French, Italian and Japanese; just use the one that makes you feel more comfortable.”

So after a lot of preparing for the worst and talking to some friends, the opportunity came. I was coming from Japanese class (BTW, did I mention my six-months-old cousin already understands my Japanese? I’m so proud! Ok, enough with the distractions. But I really love my cousin, she’s so cute!) and I went to the café to meet with the Hipster Crew. Whovie was there, ranting with Rainicorn about some things I do not wish to talk about on this blog, and I joined the conversation. After a while, the rest of the crew started to arrive and Rainicorn started to talk to them.

Now, this is the important part. I want to clarify first that the start of this conversation was a joke, and not a real attack. It’s easy to confuse situations in a written form, so to avoid any undeserved antipathy against Whovie, the lines that were told as a joke will be on italics. I will not add nor remove anything from this conversation, so you can get it as perfect as possible, and since it was in English there will be no translation issues.

“I need a lovaaaaaaah!” Whovie said, talking about something she saw on Tumblr. Nobody else was paying her attention at that point, so I decided to take a chance.

“I’m available…”

“Yeah, no thanks, I’m not desperate.”

“Well… ouch…”

“I’m just kidding. I’m kind of a bitch sometimes. No offence.” She really meant this part.

This was followed by some non-relevant-for-the-conversation talking to herself out loud (she tends to do that). After a minute, when I realised nobody on the table cared about what we were talking about, so I finally got the guts. I told to myself “this is it, this is your one and only chance” and after she stopped talking, I finally spoke.

“I was serious about it, you know?” I said.

“’Bout what?”

“I do like you. Like, for real.” (Let me add that I don’t sound smart at all when I’m not writing. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.)

“Oh. Yeah, I know.”

I was surprised to hear that.

“You do?”

“Yep. I just didn’t want to be a bitch about it; I tried to stay friendly, ‘cos I really didn’t want to stop being friends.”

And that blew my head. She knew! She always knew!

“So, if you knew, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I did.”

“Did you? When?”

“That time on first semester, when you asked me out. Don’t you remember?”

“Well, yeah, I just thought you didn’t…”

I didn’t want to say that. I wanted to say a ton of things. For example, that I talked to like ten people and they all agreed that what she told me could be interpreted as a “maybe” more than a “not gonna happen”. Or that she was really confusing with her reactions. Or that I’m just a fool who confused dreams with possibilities. Or that she didn’t have to act like a bitch or ignore the topic, she could just talk to me about it and I’d handle it like an adult. Or simply ask if this was a “perhaps someday” or a “never in life” answer.

But I didn’t. Because I suck at talking. So I came up with the dumbest line I could think about.

“Of course I did” she said, with a friendly smile, and even when I knew my questions were never going to be answered, and that I was definitely not going to date the girl of my dreams… It felt good. It felt good to finally know, to finally understand the reason of all that confusing behaviour, and that even if my illusion wasn’t going to become true, at least I could count on being friends with one of the most amazing and unique people I’ve ever know. And I knew it was the right thing.

“Meh, It couldn’t work anyway” I said, preparing my things to leave.

“Why not?” She was surprised. “Is it because I’m too weird?” she added, with an inquiring look.

“Nah, it’s not that. In fact, that’s the main reason I like you” I said, half joking, half telling the truth. And since everyone else was starting to say goodbye, I just said a general “Ci vediamo!” and left, happy to have finally done it.

So there you have it. Whovie will be just a nice memory for my treasure box. I learnt a lot from this experience; most of it is on the blog, some things I just kept them in my hearts (Whovians have two, deal with it). But even if she rejected me, I’m still a lonely boy in the pursuit of love, so I’ll have to look at other horizons.

And finally, the three things I learnt from this experience:

1.- There are different kinds of love, and different kinds of relationships. Sometimes romantic love is the way to go, and sometimes friendship is. Friendship is a form of love too, and in some cases even more lasting. We might not be the Doctor and River, but we’re the Doctor and Donna, and they had their good time of fun. Really, watch the show!

2.- I found out that I’m more scared of the doubt than of the question. Even when the answer is negative, it’s better than uncertainty. So don’t chicken out! Be brave, get guts, find the moment and spit it out! Even a rejection is a victory if you get over your fears.

3.- I got over two girls I was in love with this week. One of them disappointed me, the other one helped me let it go. So now I have to wander around until I find something interesting to post on this blog. It could take a week or it could take six months, but I fall in love easily, so it’ll probably take a week. In the mean time, I have many things to do! I need to practice my languages, study for the CILS, preside the writing club, prepare my research to get the Venice scholarship, get therapy, reconnect with my old friends and get money for a car. So I will keep on life and see what destiny brings to me. Maybe it’s better than Whovie. Maybe it’s a learning experience. But for now, I’ll just wait.

If you like the blog, share it with your friends. If you find my school interesting and want to study Languages really cheap and with awesome teachers from all around the world, email me to the.translator.rhts@gmail.com and I can give you info and make the arrangements, as long as you speak some Spanish and promise to not reveal my identity. If you have any advice for me or the other readers, comment! It doesn’t matter if the entry is old, I’ll answer and someone will read it. And if you want to be part of Mission Wheels, email me too; I could really use a few extra bucks. My goal is to buy a van and turn it into a TARDIS, so I might post some photos, and I definitely will put your name on it somewhere visible. This story will continue sooner than even I expect. Don’t stop following, I promise there will be some cool stories. My friends are weird, my baby cousins are learning Japanese and I’m about to start a web serial with my friends, so sure there’s material.

Peace,

Écrivain Solitaire

Ps: Also, if you want to hire me to translate English to Spanish or vice versa, there’s my email. I’ll soon add Portuguese to that list.

 

 

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

-Sam, The Perks of being a Wallflower

Should I get a doctor?

Hi! I just wanted to say… well, I’m still alive. You’ll see why that matters in a second. But first, the facts.

Last Thursday I was really hurt by my own cowardice. I’ve read my previous post a few times and not even I recognise myself in those words. I haven’t been able to sleep well ever since, but I didn’t think those two were correlated. But we’ll come back to that.

On Saturday I went out with Toph, Sokka’s ex and a good friend of mine. See, although I might be too coward to tell my feelings, I still like to date people, and I’ve figured out that doing it with my friends makes me feel comfortable and relaxed. So I met with this girl at the movie theatre and we watched Mr. Peabody and Sherman, a remake of an old cartoon we didn’t know about. Putting apart the obvious Doctor Who references (Come on, did nobody else notice the Gallifreyan writing in the time machine room?) it was quite an original and cute film. After a while Toph and I went to the park for an ice cream, talked about music, fooled around a little bit and sang the Toy Story theme while people looked at us funny. Then, after she took her bus and I was walking home, I was wondering why I can not pull those situations with a girl I like. I mean, I’m fun to date; I might not be Barney Stinson or anything like that, but I can make a girl laugh. If I am able to have fun with a friend in whom I’m not romantically interested, why can’t I do the same when I am? I can’t do something as simple as texting a “hey, wanna hang?” because I get paralysed just by thinking it and end up self-compassioning on the couch. I hate that side of me, I really do.

After a regular weekend and no sleep at all, I went back to school and everything flowed well, except for the fact that Curlz decided to quit Japanese. I was shocked when she told me, and she won’t let me tell the teacher. I tried to reason with her but she’s having self-esteem issues; she’s pretty good but she used to be the best without studying, like in all of her other subjects, so as soon as she got a little delay she decided it’s not worth the effort. I’ve done everything but it seems like she won’t change her mind. It’s very disappointing because she was not only my example, but the first person I’ve admired in years, and it hurt me see her quit just like that, without even saying it.

Things with Whovie have been normal, and I could even say we’re closer than before, but that doesn’t mean what it should. I’m still crippled by panic, and even if I had a chance I’d never found out. I talked to Zuko about this and happened to comment that I haven’t rested in days, and he thinks I might be having symptoms of clinical depression. I’ve denied it to myself and to the world, I’ve tried to fix my problems by myself, I’ve prayed, I’ve read good books and I’ve done research, and everything takes me to the same conclusion: I am depressed. It’s a horrible thing, you know? How could I tell my friends? My family, for God’s sake? How can I be it after my great school, after my cool friends, after having everything, I don’t have the right to be depressed! I have everything I need excepting for a good sack of guts! I couldn’t look at people in the eye. It would be too embarrassing. But on the other hand, this is a severe mental health condition; I should get at least a professional’s opinion. When I wrote my last post I was nearly suicidal, I cannot let myself get to such edges.

At the end, my week  has  been normal, but I’ve learnt a  few  things about live:

1.- Anyone can date. Even the less qualified can turn a boring day into an afternoon of fun.

2.- Being in love means nothing if you don’t say it. It just means you’re pretty sad.

3.- I have a high probability to have a clinical depression, and I must talk NOW with someone who can do about.

Knowing this might not make me the strongest man, but at least I now know what I’m doing wrong and what I should do about it. Please wish me luck.

Peace,

Écrivain

“just spit it out!”

I don’t even know where to start, but this week things were completely surreal. So let’s open with business talk and then keep flowing.

Remember when I said my sales would get doubled as soon as the Language Centre opened? Well, last Wednesday I was stopped by the kind of person I most despise: an engineer. It turns out the building’s administration and the school’s administration are independent, and since the building doubles as a convention centre he decided that my cooler gives a bad image to his institution and I was threatened to be kicked out if I kept carrying it. I was about to appeal to the uni’s authorities, when a security employee gave me the option to leave it in an office. This means I don’t need to do the scandal I was planning to, but it also means that I can hardly keep my income. It seems like Mission Wheels is going to take longer than expected; I can’t get a job because of my schedules and although I tried to promote my other services it looks like that’s not an alternative. I’m thinking about a translation studio online, but I don’t think it can work. If any of you has experience on this I would appreciate your comment.

Also, today the writing club was suspended. I didn’t want to do it, but Rookie got a job and Pseudogay went out with Curlz because she’s depressed about her Japanese. The worst part was having to tell our guest that we wouldn’t get together today. Luckily, I found Kuáng in the library and we got to talk about… well, it’s time to say it.

I lost the bet. I was ready to tell Whovie how I feel, but last Tuesday she came to school sick and well, I think it was a ba… oh, who am I kidding, I chickened out. I found a pretext and I took it. I haven’t seen Ragazza for a while and she probably thinks I’m avoiding paying her (which I’m totally not) but my problem goes beyond that. I’m a coward. I’m a bloody coward! She’s the most amazing girl I’ve ever met and I can’t get the guts to tell her. I proposed to myself doing it today, and I went to Kuáng for advice because she’s the second craziest girl I know, but I don’t think it got any better. She told me to “just spit it out!” and that it was the best thing to do. She says there’s some kind of chemistry between Whovie and I and things are cool between us like they are and we’re good for each other and… well, she was very contradictive. In retrospective, I don’t think she was helping at all. The thing is, today we didn’t have classes and as the two big nerds that we are, we stayed in case the teacher decided to arrive at the last minute. She was reading fanfics on her iPad and I was pretending to read Divergent (cool book) and actually trying to hold my guts for a minute to talk to her. When the internet failed we got to talk for about an hour, and after that I read with her, and oh my Glob she reads fast. The point is, I couldn’t do it. I was intimidated, I was scared, I had it in my throat and I wanted to just spit it out, but I couldn’t. At the end I left (it’s my last class) because it was already suspicious that she was reading those fanfics and I was right next to her. I went home feeling depressed and useless.

These kinds of things make me wonder something. What’s the meaning of smart? People always says I’m smart, but in reality I can’t do anything well. I can’t socialise, I can’t run a business, I can’t preside a club and I can’t talk about my feelings. Then what’s the point of knowing how to calculate the mass of the sun or  how many verbal times has Portuguese or how to make a torch with a bottle of Sprite if when it comes to real, important things like talking to the girl I like I’m as smart as bucket of lumber? Last week I tried to flirt with a girl from my morning class and I couldn’t even look her in the eye until I found out she has a crush on a teacher and she’s actually not very sane. It had to be pointed to me that I’d never have anything with her for me to have a decent conversation with her, to be able to say hello.

You know what? I’m not smart. I’m stupid, very, very stupid. If I were smart I’d have already talked with Whovie. Or with Curlz. Or with She-who must-not-be-named. I’d be able to look at that pocket watch I liked and just say YOLO and buy it, instead of stopping for ten minutes to blankly stare at it thinking about how it would affect my economy. I’d be able to find a way to sell my chocolates at the language Centre without being caught. I’d be able to live.

I’d be able to live.

What I’m doing is not living. I’m just avoiding death for instinct, but I’m not enjoying it. I haven’t had a healthy relationship ever, I haven’t gone to the theatre or taken a vacation or learnt how to draw or played a nerd game like D&D or simply talked to anyone on a party. I spend my days watching cartoons and reading and posting on a blog that nobody reads because I’m afraid to get a shrink. I need to stop shutting up, I need to just spit it out and get the guts to do something with my life or I will die rich and lonely sometime in the next ten years on a really stupid way. I’d be on one of those “1000 ways to die” episodes I make fun of. My neighbours will remember me as “that lonely guy on the 2nd floor”. My friends won’t even find out about what happened soon enough to go to a funeral. I’ll just be gone, thought smart but actually being an idiot.

I don’t think I’ve learnt anything this week, and I have homework anyway, so I’ll just cut it here. Peace.

Écrivain

Sorry, unexpected homework!

I was going to post today but my team mate got in troubles and now I have to do the team’s homework. Aaand I haven’t done the writing club’s homework assigned by myself so I think my next post will be next Thursday. Bee free to throw me eggs if I don’t. I won’t give away any spoilers, so in exchange here’s this cool Adventure Time music. Enjoy and see you soon. Peace!