Well… I finally did it.
I just told Whovie how I feel about her. I know it took me too long, I know it wasn’t the best moment for it, but… I’ll tell you about it later. First, I got some other little things I want to share.
This week I had a school holiday and a national holiday, resulting in a five-day weekend. It was nice to finally get some decent sleep, but my computer decided she didn’t want to keep working so I had to go to Zuko’s house so he helped me fix it. We were watching How I Met Your Mother while the computer rebooted, and I finally found some useful advice. For those who don’t know it, the show is about Ted Mosby, a guy on the future who is telling his children… well, the title pretty much explains it. Anyway, Ted was talking about someone he found from the past, and when she rejected him, she told him the reason: he would never be able to move on until he dealt with his feelings about Robin.
And then I saw the light. That was why I ruined my last relationship, the one after She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I won’t be able to move on until I fix things with Whovie. And yesterday Pseudogay gave me an advice that really, really helped: “Why don’t you tell her in another language? You both speak English, French, Italian and Japanese; just use the one that makes you feel more comfortable.”
So after a lot of preparing for the worst and talking to some friends, the opportunity came. I was coming from Japanese class (BTW, did I mention my six-months-old cousin already understands my Japanese? I’m so proud! Ok, enough with the distractions. But I really love my cousin, she’s so cute!) and I went to the café to meet with the Hipster Crew. Whovie was there, ranting with Rainicorn about some things I do not wish to talk about on this blog, and I joined the conversation. After a while, the rest of the crew started to arrive and Rainicorn started to talk to them.
Now, this is the important part. I want to clarify first that the start of this conversation was a joke, and not a real attack. It’s easy to confuse situations in a written form, so to avoid any undeserved antipathy against Whovie, the lines that were told as a joke will be on italics. I will not add nor remove anything from this conversation, so you can get it as perfect as possible, and since it was in English there will be no translation issues.
“I need a lovaaaaaaah!” Whovie said, talking about something she saw on Tumblr. Nobody else was paying her attention at that point, so I decided to take a chance.
“Yeah, no thanks, I’m not desperate.”
“I’m just kidding. I’m kind of a bitch sometimes. No offence.” She really meant this part.
This was followed by some non-relevant-for-the-conversation talking to herself out loud (she tends to do that). After a minute, when I realised nobody on the table cared about what we were talking about, so I finally got the guts. I told to myself “this is it, this is your one and only chance” and after she stopped talking, I finally spoke.
“I was serious about it, you know?” I said.
“I do like you. Like, for real.” (Let me add that I don’t sound smart at all when I’m not writing. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.)
“Oh. Yeah, I know.”
I was surprised to hear that.
“Yep. I just didn’t want to be a bitch about it; I tried to stay friendly, ‘cos I really didn’t want to stop being friends.”
And that blew my head. She knew! She always knew!
“So, if you knew, why didn’t you say anything?”
“Did you? When?”
“That time on first semester, when you asked me out. Don’t you remember?”
“Well, yeah, I just thought you didn’t…”
I didn’t want to say that. I wanted to say a ton of things. For example, that I talked to like ten people and they all agreed that what she told me could be interpreted as a “maybe” more than a “not gonna happen”. Or that she was really confusing with her reactions. Or that I’m just a fool who confused dreams with possibilities. Or that she didn’t have to act like a bitch or ignore the topic, she could just talk to me about it and I’d handle it like an adult. Or simply ask if this was a “perhaps someday” or a “never in life” answer.
But I didn’t. Because I suck at talking. So I came up with the dumbest line I could think about.
“Of course I did” she said, with a friendly smile, and even when I knew my questions were never going to be answered, and that I was definitely not going to date the girl of my dreams… It felt good. It felt good to finally know, to finally understand the reason of all that confusing behaviour, and that even if my illusion wasn’t going to become true, at least I could count on being friends with one of the most amazing and unique people I’ve ever know. And I knew it was the right thing.
“Meh, It couldn’t work anyway” I said, preparing my things to leave.
“Why not?” She was surprised. “Is it because I’m too weird?” she added, with an inquiring look.
“Nah, it’s not that. In fact, that’s the main reason I like you” I said, half joking, half telling the truth. And since everyone else was starting to say goodbye, I just said a general “Ci vediamo!” and left, happy to have finally done it.
So there you have it. Whovie will be just a nice memory for my treasure box. I learnt a lot from this experience; most of it is on the blog, some things I just kept them in my hearts (Whovians have two, deal with it). But even if she rejected me, I’m still a lonely boy in the pursuit of love, so I’ll have to look at other horizons.
And finally, the three things I learnt from this experience:
1.- There are different kinds of love, and different kinds of relationships. Sometimes romantic love is the way to go, and sometimes friendship is. Friendship is a form of love too, and in some cases even more lasting. We might not be the Doctor and River, but we’re the Doctor and Donna, and they had their good time of fun. Really, watch the show!
2.- I found out that I’m more scared of the doubt than of the question. Even when the answer is negative, it’s better than uncertainty. So don’t chicken out! Be brave, get guts, find the moment and spit it out! Even a rejection is a victory if you get over your fears.
3.- I got over two girls I was in love with this week. One of them disappointed me, the other one helped me let it go. So now I have to wander around until I find something interesting to post on this blog. It could take a week or it could take six months, but I fall in love easily, so it’ll probably take a week. In the mean time, I have many things to do! I need to practice my languages, study for the CILS, preside the writing club, prepare my research to get the Venice scholarship, get therapy, reconnect with my old friends and get money for a car. So I will keep on life and see what destiny brings to me. Maybe it’s better than Whovie. Maybe it’s a learning experience. But for now, I’ll just wait.
If you like the blog, share it with your friends. If you find my school interesting and want to study Languages really cheap and with awesome teachers from all around the world, email me to firstname.lastname@example.org and I can give you info and make the arrangements, as long as you speak some Spanish and promise to not reveal my identity. If you have any advice for me or the other readers, comment! It doesn’t matter if the entry is old, I’ll answer and someone will read it. And if you want to be part of Mission Wheels, email me too; I could really use a few extra bucks. My goal is to buy a van and turn it into a TARDIS, so I might post some photos, and I definitely will put your name on it somewhere visible. This story will continue sooner than even I expect. Don’t stop following, I promise there will be some cool stories. My friends are weird, my baby cousins are learning Japanese and I’m about to start a web serial with my friends, so sure there’s material.
Ps: Also, if you want to hire me to translate English to Spanish or vice versa, there’s my email. I’ll soon add Portuguese to that list.
“We accept the love we think we deserve”
-Sam, The Perks of being a Wallflower