“just spit it out!”

I don’t even know where to start, but this week things were completely surreal. So let’s open with business talk and then keep flowing.

Remember when I said my sales would get doubled as soon as the Language Centre opened? Well, last Wednesday I was stopped by the kind of person I most despise: an engineer. It turns out the building’s administration and the school’s administration are independent, and since the building doubles as a convention centre he decided that my cooler gives a bad image to his institution and I was threatened to be kicked out if I kept carrying it. I was about to appeal to the uni’s authorities, when a security employee gave me the option to leave it in an office. This means I don’t need to do the scandal I was planning to, but it also means that I can hardly keep my income. It seems like Mission Wheels is going to take longer than expected; I can’t get a job because of my schedules and although I tried to promote my other services it looks like that’s not an alternative. I’m thinking about a translation studio online, but I don’t think it can work. If any of you has experience on this I would appreciate your comment.

Also, today the writing club was suspended. I didn’t want to do it, but Rookie got a job and Pseudogay went out with Curlz because she’s depressed about her Japanese. The worst part was having to tell our guest that we wouldn’t get together today. Luckily, I found Kuáng in the library and we got to talk about… well, it’s time to say it.

I lost the bet. I was ready to tell Whovie how I feel, but last Tuesday she came to school sick and well, I think it was a ba… oh, who am I kidding, I chickened out. I found a pretext and I took it. I haven’t seen Ragazza for a while and she probably thinks I’m avoiding paying her (which I’m totally not) but my problem goes beyond that. I’m a coward. I’m a bloody coward! She’s the most amazing girl I’ve ever met and I can’t get the guts to tell her. I proposed to myself doing it today, and I went to Kuáng for advice because she’s the second craziest girl I know, but I don’t think it got any better. She told me to “just spit it out!” and that it was the best thing to do. She says there’s some kind of chemistry between Whovie and I and things are cool between us like they are and we’re good for each other and… well, she was very contradictive. In retrospective, I don’t think she was helping at all. The thing is, today we didn’t have classes and as the two big nerds that we are, we stayed in case the teacher decided to arrive at the last minute. She was reading fanfics on her iPad and I was pretending to read Divergent (cool book) and actually trying to hold my guts for a minute to talk to her. When the internet failed we got to talk for about an hour, and after that I read with her, and oh my Glob she reads fast. The point is, I couldn’t do it. I was intimidated, I was scared, I had it in my throat and I wanted to just spit it out, but I couldn’t. At the end I left (it’s my last class) because it was already suspicious that she was reading those fanfics and I was right next to her. I went home feeling depressed and useless.

These kinds of things make me wonder something. What’s the meaning of smart? People always says I’m smart, but in reality I can’t do anything well. I can’t socialise, I can’t run a business, I can’t preside a club and I can’t talk about my feelings. Then what’s the point of knowing how to calculate the mass of the sun or  how many verbal times has Portuguese or how to make a torch with a bottle of Sprite if when it comes to real, important things like talking to the girl I like I’m as smart as bucket of lumber? Last week I tried to flirt with a girl from my morning class and I couldn’t even look her in the eye until I found out she has a crush on a teacher and she’s actually not very sane. It had to be pointed to me that I’d never have anything with her for me to have a decent conversation with her, to be able to say hello.

You know what? I’m not smart. I’m stupid, very, very stupid. If I were smart I’d have already talked with Whovie. Or with Curlz. Or with She-who must-not-be-named. I’d be able to look at that pocket watch I liked and just say YOLO and buy it, instead of stopping for ten minutes to blankly stare at it thinking about how it would affect my economy. I’d be able to find a way to sell my chocolates at the language Centre without being caught. I’d be able to live.

I’d be able to live.

What I’m doing is not living. I’m just avoiding death for instinct, but I’m not enjoying it. I haven’t had a healthy relationship ever, I haven’t gone to the theatre or taken a vacation or learnt how to draw or played a nerd game like D&D or simply talked to anyone on a party. I spend my days watching cartoons and reading and posting on a blog that nobody reads because I’m afraid to get a shrink. I need to stop shutting up, I need to just spit it out and get the guts to do something with my life or I will die rich and lonely sometime in the next ten years on a really stupid way. I’d be on one of those “1000 ways to die” episodes I make fun of. My neighbours will remember me as “that lonely guy on the 2nd floor”. My friends won’t even find out about what happened soon enough to go to a funeral. I’ll just be gone, thought smart but actually being an idiot.

I don’t think I’ve learnt anything this week, and I have homework anyway, so I’ll just cut it here. Peace.

Écrivain

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