Hi! I just wanted to say… well, I’m still alive. You’ll see why that matters in a second. But first, the facts.
Last Thursday I was really hurt by my own cowardice. I’ve read my previous post a few times and not even I recognise myself in those words. I haven’t been able to sleep well ever since, but I didn’t think those two were correlated. But we’ll come back to that.
On Saturday I went out with Toph, Sokka’s ex and a good friend of mine. See, although I might be too coward to tell my feelings, I still like to date people, and I’ve figured out that doing it with my friends makes me feel comfortable and relaxed. So I met with this girl at the movie theatre and we watched Mr. Peabody and Sherman, a remake of an old cartoon we didn’t know about. Putting apart the obvious Doctor Who references (Come on, did nobody else notice the Gallifreyan writing in the time machine room?) it was quite an original and cute film. After a while Toph and I went to the park for an ice cream, talked about music, fooled around a little bit and sang the Toy Story theme while people looked at us funny. Then, after she took her bus and I was walking home, I was wondering why I can not pull those situations with a girl I like. I mean, I’m fun to date; I might not be Barney Stinson or anything like that, but I can make a girl laugh. If I am able to have fun with a friend in whom I’m not romantically interested, why can’t I do the same when I am? I can’t do something as simple as texting a “hey, wanna hang?” because I get paralysed just by thinking it and end up self-compassioning on the couch. I hate that side of me, I really do.
After a regular weekend and no sleep at all, I went back to school and everything flowed well, except for the fact that Curlz decided to quit Japanese. I was shocked when she told me, and she won’t let me tell the teacher. I tried to reason with her but she’s having self-esteem issues; she’s pretty good but she used to be the best without studying, like in all of her other subjects, so as soon as she got a little delay she decided it’s not worth the effort. I’ve done everything but it seems like she won’t change her mind. It’s very disappointing because she was not only my example, but the first person I’ve admired in years, and it hurt me see her quit just like that, without even saying it.
Things with Whovie have been normal, and I could even say we’re closer than before, but that doesn’t mean what it should. I’m still crippled by panic, and even if I had a chance I’d never found out. I talked to Zuko about this and happened to comment that I haven’t rested in days, and he thinks I might be having symptoms of clinical depression. I’ve denied it to myself and to the world, I’ve tried to fix my problems by myself, I’ve prayed, I’ve read good books and I’ve done research, and everything takes me to the same conclusion: I am depressed. It’s a horrible thing, you know? How could I tell my friends? My family, for God’s sake? How can I be it after my great school, after my cool friends, after having everything, I don’t have the right to be depressed! I have everything I need excepting for a good sack of guts! I couldn’t look at people in the eye. It would be too embarrassing. But on the other hand, this is a severe mental health condition; I should get at least a professional’s opinion. When I wrote my last post I was nearly suicidal, I cannot let myself get to such edges.
At the end, my week has been normal, but I’ve learnt a few things about live:
1.- Anyone can date. Even the less qualified can turn a boring day into an afternoon of fun.
2.- Being in love means nothing if you don’t say it. It just means you’re pretty sad.
3.- I have a high probability to have a clinical depression, and I must talk NOW with someone who can do about.
Knowing this might not make me the strongest man, but at least I now know what I’m doing wrong and what I should do about it. Please wish me luck.