It’s time to be brave

Hello! Remember how I told you I’d be here in less than a week?

Well, fortunately or not, I haven’t fallen in love again, or at least I don’t think I have. I have been wrong about this before, but this time I hope I’m not. I’m happy with my current situation for now.

Well… actually…

Let’s start with the beginning, or the end if you’re reading this as a serial. After the events on my last post I was thinking for a long time about Whovie. And by long time I mean two days. I went through the five stages of grief in less than 36 hours and then I didn’t feel anything about it. Nothing at all. I coped with my rejection in record time considering I was crazy about this girl for almost two years.

This made me wonder about the way I react to situations and I noticed something. I was not afraid of being rejected by her. I was afraid of asking. It was the action that held me back, not the consequences. And this started driving me crazy. Why did I act this way? Or better, why did I not act? What’s wrong with me that I can’t talk about something even when I know it’s going to be Ok and I won’t care after a few hours?

And then I realized the real problem with me. I’m not brave. I don’t have the courage to act about my feelings, or pretty much anything. I chose my major by luck, I started my business because I didn’t want to work for someone else and now I can’t tell a girl when I like her. I spend ten minutes at the store trying to decide if I want Lays or Cheetos. So I decided that before I keep going on my pursuit of love, I will take a break and focus on something more important: the road to bravery. I need to become brave. I need the courage to act upon my wishes and beliefs. I must become able to do what I want. I saw a pocket watch I loved a few days ago (remember, I’m a nerd with hipster tendencies) and I had the money to get it in my pocket. I told myself “Just YOLO up and buy the darn thing!” but after a few seconds I chickened out. It was a watch, for the Lord’s sake! I hate that. I hate not being able to buy some fancy, useless shiny object when I can afford it just because I’m scared. So my new goal is to become a brave person, and I will avoid romantic feelings until I do.

Saturday I went with Toph to a picnic her church was organizing, and it was pretty fun. It reminded me of the camp I go to every summer, so I invited her and she said that if I can convince her mother she will come. I hope she does because it gets amazing; I’m kind of a celebrity around so that’s the only place where I feel brave and act the way I want. It’s where I first asked a girl out. It’s where I sang in front of a hundred people and didn’t get nervous about it. It’s where I’ve written and presented several plays and the only place where I play sports. So I want to be there again this year, and I want her to see me at my best.

On school topics, I failed at signing up for the CILS exam, so I won’t be presenting it even when the teacher said that “io parlo ottimo l’italiano”. I will at least be at the reading marathon this year, so that’s something. And on Japanese I’m sad to inform that my exposition about Okonomiyaki will be postponed indefinitely. I was having fun with it, so too bad 😦

On happier news, I reconnected with a friend from primary school! Well, sort of. Ten years ago, I moved to her town and for three years she was behind me. Not in a literal sense (as far as I know) but she was this happy girl who tried to cheer me up when I was too serious and with whom I had a school rivalry, sort of like Hermione and Harry on “Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality” (I believe I already talked about it). We were pretty much even in almost any academic aspect, because I had the advantage of having read more books than most people do in their lives by then, and the problem of being too lazy to do my homework. Anyway, we had our ups and downs, and now she’s studying on my campus and her English class is next to my Japanese class. Things have changed and now she acts the way I did back then, pretending she doesn’t like to have me around, but she’s had plenty of opportunities to get rid of me and not only she hasn’t, yesterday she asked me to walk with her to class, so I’m pretty sure she’s just being a bit tsundere about spending time with me. We’ve been having a good time, and even though she says she doesn’t care about me, she keeps asking about my past and telling me hers, and that’s enough for me to consider it a solid friendship.

The writing club is stuck. Not because they don’t work, because they do, but they don’t upload their stories and we haven’t been able to start publishing. On the plus side, we have now two honorary members, so that’s good. But I am concerned that they might not care enough of the project to continue it. Next Thursday I’m going to try to talk about it, and I hope we can settle it before it’s too late.

So this week I learnt three things:

1.- Friendship can come in many forms, and even if it doesn’t look like it, it can be cool of played smoothly.

2.- Love might be the most important thing, but without bravery, it won’t be able to grow.

3.- Sometimes bravery comes from a place or a person, not only from ourselves. Finding a source of bravery can be the key to happiness.

Peace,

Ècrivain

Ps: What do you think about the new theme? Comment!

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