My Patronus and Whovie’s hearts

I’ve been through a lot these last days, but what I have to talk about tonight is simply more important. I’ve learnt so much that I won’t even mother putting the usual three morals. You’ll find out in a minute.

My homework for holidays was to chat with two native Anglophones and record it for Phonetics class. Since I lack time, money or social skills for that, I went the easy road: I asked my uncle who lived in the USA for ten years. For the second one I wanted something even more authentic, so I went to Whovie, because have I ever mentioned how beautiful her British accent is?

So Yesterday I went looking for her and I found her on her car reading fanfics on her iPad (how on Earth can she do that when we’re 42°C outside?). We talked about her favourite TV show (guess who? I mean, wh- forget about it, you know it’s Doctor Who), and then we started arguing about River Song and things got as crazy as they always are. Anyway, we ended up watching fan videos shipping Alex Kingston with I-don’t-know-who from Grey’s Anatomy (Romano, I think was his name?) because I just love to hear her when she goes mad fangirl. And I see the tomatoes being thrown at me so I’ll just skip to the point. While we were watching those videos I thought of something I had wanted to ask her, and we had one of the most interesting conversations about love ever happened in Spanglish, because it’s easier to talk about those things in a foreign language, but sometimes we don’t have the words.

 “There’s something I don’t get about you,” I said. “You’re so much into romance, you watch it and read it all day, every day. Then, why are you single?”

She stopped to think for a second.

“Well, I just… I don’t see myself with a couple. Any time I think about the future I see myself alone; maybe raising a child, but as a single mother. I don’t see my life actually living with someone else.”

“Don’t you want to find love, like those couples on TV you watch all the time?”

“That doesn’t happen. Love is not epic in real life.”

“But how do you know?” I wasn’t going to give up so easily. “Maybe there is epic love out there, but we don’t see it because we’re here, watching Youtube videos on the back of a car instead of looking for it. We’re the secondary characters of someone else’s song.”

“I don’t know; it’s just… I don’t want to go looking for it. I frankly don’t know why you do.”

“Because you never know when it comes; maybe I’ll find it in sixty years, or maybe I already lost my chance. But if I give up I might never know.”

“Well… I don’t know. It’s just I feel like I’m too young for it; I wouldn’t want to get married before being thirty, there’s so much I have to live yet. And besides, I don’t want to stay here.” She put her iPad down and looked at me in the eyes. This talk was definitely about us, even if neither of us was going to admit it.

“But what if that person wants to leave too?”

“Well, even if that were the case- If the plan were to leave with me, that would be selfish. And even if he or she had the exact same dreams I do, which is highly unlikely, do you have any idea of how difficult is travelling with someone else? Legally speaking, I mean.”

“I… I don’t really know. But you’ve seen Doctor Who; it’s always dangerous to travel without a companion.”

She half-smiled. “I know. But I don’t see the point in dating when I don’t look for love. It would be just cruel. One of us -and most likely not me- would get hurt. I don’t want to go kissing frogs. I know there might be some princes, or princesses, out there, but I don’t think that’s my thing.”

Now, the thing with this blog is that since none of the characters know this is being written, I don’t get their consent for talking about their private lives. All I can talk about is things they would let anyone know, and my opinions about them and their situations. So, given that this conversation took place in a semi-private space, where nobody could hear us, and I don’t really know what she’d share with most people, I can’t write down the rest of the conversation. It wasn’t long, but it was personal, and I don’t think Whovie would be happy if she found out that I put it online.

There’s something, though, I can say, and it’s that after that I won’t see Whovie the same way. I used to see her as this awesome girl who could do anything she wanted no matter what, but when I heard what she had to say, all I could think about was “this girl was hurt.” She didn’t say anything about that (not that I’d post it anyway), but I could see it in her eyes, I could hear it in her words, and I understood why I can relate to her more than anyone I’ve ever met. Someone once told me that the reason we fight all the time is not because we’re too different, but because we’re the same. And now I knew why.

Whovie feels about herself the same way I did in my darkest times. But while I let it out for everyone to see it, I wrote it down, I embraced The Cold like a shell that could protect me no matter how much it hurt, she did the opposite. She put it in a little corner of her hearts, and she became the exact opposite. Her whole self is meant to protect her from what hurts her, not dodging it, but letting it bounce. But we all know what happens if you bounce something on a shell long enough, and there are the bumps, invisible but still damaging her.

We never talk about anything private. We can’t trust people, that’s another thing we share. I blame bullying. She blames human nature. So when I felt my voice was starting to crack, by mutual agreement I went to get a taxi while she left in her car. I don’t know if she noticed or I just got lucky, but I’m glad we did. I wouldn’t have been able to keep talking for too long before doing something very stupid.

Today Whovie explained to me the difference between people and persons. She says that persons is the correct plural of person, but people is used instead, because that’s how English-speakers talked for so long it became their nature to see themselves as a people, like a tribe. And sometimes I wonder why things happen the way they do. Why do we meet a lot of people, and no matter how unlikely, in all those people we find persons, we find individuals who become so important for us, but mostly, who remind us so much of ourselves. And maybe that’s how it started, maybe it all began with the first persons who saw themselves as a people. Because we’re all so different, and yet we can be so similar to others, even if we’re born and raised in different times, in different places, in different worlds. And from now on, I won’t just see my relationship with Whovie as two persons, because it’s more than that. We’re a people, a small one but a special one, and whatever happens in the future, either we date or split or marry or kill each other, I know this. I know that I’m not alone in the world, I know that there’s someone out there who is like me, who understands me and whom I can understand. I know I’m not an alien, or a robot, or a secondary character. And that link is enough to live for. So the next time The Cold comes after me, I will be able to face it. I will look it in the eyes and say, “I know I’m not alone. You can’t hurt me anymore, I have a reason to live. I know there’s more people out there like me, and I’ll find them, and I’ll marry one of them, and I’ll be happy, because now I know I can. Now I know it’s not my destiny to be alone forever. Because one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel. I’ve seen angels before, and I’ll find mine.”

So, I found it. I found my happy thought, and Dementors are not something to care about. All I wonder is, if my Patronus is not a wolf, what could it be?

A shoulder to cry on

Hello! Remember how I said I wouldn’t play more illegally downloaded video games? Yeah… I threw that out the window today. But there’s a lot to talk about right now, so we might as well start!

This week and the next one I’m on vacations, and I finally got the time to relax and work on all those things I’ve been leaving unattended. My book is going great; I write almost a page per day, and I’m confident this will be the final draft. I also got more time to read and play video games, and today I downloaded Bioshock because everyone says it’s an awesome game and why on Earth haven’t I played it yet. I really wanted to stick to my only-Free-To-Play-games policy, but I quickly found out that the list is limited to a) Life-sucking MMORPGs, b) Indie games with little to none support from companies and c) Team Fortress 2. And I’m already playing B and C, so I don’t think I should add A to the list.

In other news, Toph asked me to help her with English, because she’s almost failing and she needs a perfect score to pass so she can switch major. So this Monday and Tuesday we’ve been at the library working pretty well. But yesterday she just started rambling about how she still can’t get over Sokka. And then it happened. Out of nowhere, she began to talk about how she never really had any friends until she met us, and then she told me a lot about how she feels with herself and with her life. It was shocking. I heard her talk and it was like hearing my own thoughts, those so deep that I haven’t even posted here yet. I wanted to give her some advice, but I just couldn’t, because that would’ve been hypocrite. I just listened and tried to appear strong for her. At the end we ended up talking about how she was going out with him today and needed my help to sneak out. I didn’t like very much the idea and I told her, but I greed to help her just this once.

After all that, I came home to find Katara online and publishing emo Facebook statuses. I opened the chat window and she told me: the douche left her. I thought I would be happy for her when this happened, but she was devastated. She said he was her first true love and she couldn’t live without him. And for the first time, I did not want to say “I told you so”. I felt bad about the sole thought of it. And again, all I could do was help her release all her pain, to cry out everything she feels. I will be giving her advice, but it won’t be now.

And today I got dragged into a date that wasn’t mine. After a twelve-hour marathon of Community I got a text from Toph reminding me about our “lesson”. I went to the city park expecting to see her mother, lie about how we were going to study at the café two blocks away and then take her to the movies where she’d get together with him and I’d go back home to keep doing illegal downloads and watching meta sitcoms. Instead, I went there to find Toph alone, waiting for me to take her to get an ice cream while waiting for Sokka, who didn’t show up until two and a half hours later. I was a bit annoyed because it was not the way I planned to do things but at least we got time to talk about several things, including that Toph says I should try to get Whovie jealous and offered herself as the bait. Despite the fact that she lives in a different city, I think it’s an interesting idea. I might give it a try.

And a few hours ago I got to rehearse with my dad and my sister: the choir is singing tomorrow at church and I’ll be joining them. I’ll try to sneak a recorder so I can post an audio file here. Wish me luck! J

So, the three things I’ve learnt this week:

1.- Friendship is a good part of love, and it means to be there to listen when your friends are feeling sad. Sometimes a good ear is better than all the words in the world.

2.- When you really care about someone, you don’t feel the need to say “I told you so”. They know you told them, all they need is your support, don’t be harsh.

3.- Downloading piracy is fun, no matter what the FBI says.

Peace,

Écrivain

The Basic Eight: Book Review

A few minutes ago I finished reading The Basic Eight. I talked about this book on my last post; it was written by Daniel Handler (AKA Lemony Snicket, creator of A Series of Unfortunate Events) and it’s the fictitious diary of a high school student, Flannery Culp, which she edits from jail, convicted by the murder of… well, she should tell you.

While the book’s format might look unfamiliar to ASOUE’s fans, it certainly does justice to its author’s reputation, being a more mature story with the same criticism about many issues in society, like unhelpful teachers, biased psychologists who’d do anything for money, satanic panic and the classic high school snob clubs everyone had (or was it just me?) and their struggles with problems of the sort of homophobia, sexual harassment, drug experimenting and murder plots. It gives a nice, maybe a bit exaggerated perspective on situations we all lived and some we just thought of but never actually executed. Oh, what a sweet irony that precisely that word slipped in my mind, I had to type it. Anyway, I would recommend this book to anyone with some spare time and a taste for drama stories or cynic comedy. It’s the kind of book your parents would tell you to leave away, and that’s precisely the reason why you should read it.

I’m gonna find and read another book by Handler’s quill, which I’m sure will be as incredible as the first fourteen I’ve read.

One of us! One of us! One of us!

So Whovie is part of the Hipster Crew now, and there’s a lot to talk about this week.

Thanks to the fun afternoon I talked about in my last post, I was able to avoid The Cold and now I’m trying to analysew here it comes from. Something curious to add is that I realizedit’s not triggered by sadness as much as it is for loneliness. So one of my newest goals is to find a way to overcome loneliness as a problem and accept it as what it is, a part of my life. I’m not sure how to do it, but I think that writing it down might be the first step, and why not taking it further and put it on the blog? In order to achieve bravery I need to overcome my fears, and although I never talk about it, being alone is one of the worst fears I have. So it has to be the first one I get rid of.

In other news, not so long ago (I forgot to post it) my favourite writer made an AskMeAnything on Reddit. His name is Daniel Handler, also known as Lemony Snicket, narrator of the Baudelaire adventures on A Series of Unfortunate Events. Sadly, I found out about this too late to ask him anything, and I had so much I wanted to know. But it was a good thing, because I found out he’s currently expanding the ASOUE universe, and I read about his first book. Its name is The Basic Eight, and it’s the fictitious diary of a teenage girl convicted for murder, in which she talks about her life previous to the crime. It’s a bit snob, but actually pretty interesting, and I’ve been reading it for several days. The funny part is, when I was looking for a download link I felt… well, guilt. Not because I care about piracy; that’s not my style. I felt bad about reading an amazing author and not giving the contribution to make him keep writing. After all, I’m a writer too, so this kind of things is very important for me; how would I feel if people didn’t pay for my book?

At the end I downloaded it illegally anyway, but now I give more importance to my List of Things I will Buy When I’m Rich.

This week Curlz was not in town because she had to go get her Celpe-Bras certification in Mexico City, so the week was kind of calm. She’s basically the nucleus of the Hipster Crew, so even if we all get along and have fun without her, it’s difficult to get the whole gang together without her. But there are three things that move us like a tsunami: teacher gossips, (apparently) girls making out, and pizza. The first one I cannot comment in case someone ever finds this blog, because it involves one of my dearest professors, and the second one I already covered on my last post, so let’s get to the point. Usually a new member of the crew gets his or her permanence after they feed us, a tradition as old as this post because I just made it out (I’m going to propose it, though). Pseudogay somehow always has money coming out of his pockets, and he always offers to buy us pizza, but last Tuesday we were at the cafeteria and Whovie remembered she has discount coupons, so she said she’d bring them today and we were completely happy with this. Anyway, Friday came and we reunited at the café, Curlz just coming back from her trip. We got the pizza and we spent three hours just talking and messing with each other. We were reading some creepypastas and when they finally delivered our food Rainicorn took out a little bag with chopped weed. I’ve never tried drugs, but I must confess I’m really curious about it, so I smelt it… weed smells like oregano. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that. I didn’t take it because I wasn’t so convinced; besides taking it on the Easter seemed kind of blasphemous. I’ll eventually do it but I don’t think it happens too soon. Anyway, he put weed on his pizza and we kept laughing for a while.

And after talking to Whovie and Curlz this days I realised I have another psychological condition I didn’t even notice until recently: I feel uncomfortable with physical contact. I honestly don’t know why; I read it was common on abuse victims, but I was never abused as far as I can remember. The closest thing I can think of was this one time when I was 9: I was late for church so I couldn’t sit with my parents. I went for another bench and I sat next to someone I didn’t know. At the middle of the sermon he started touching my leg and he kept doing it for several minutes; I didn’t know what to do, but I was new in town and since everything was so different to me I just assumed it was the norm around there. I didn’t even realise something was wrong until a few years ago when I had to go back to the town to deliver a wedding present for his cousin and I remembered what happened. But I don’t think this has to do with anything. I mean, how could I be an abuse victim if I didn’t know anything wrong happened? And why would it create any traumas? So no, that can’t be the reason why I dislike physical contact.

It’s not even that big of a problem; I don’t feel comfortable with handshakes or hugs, but I almost never have to give or receive any of those. The problem here is long term. When I finally get around the idea of dating again, what will I do? I can’t just withhold all forms of touching, that would be selfish and look stupid. For now I’m just getting used to Curlz’s contact when she’s subconsciously jealous (there must be a term for non-romantic jealousy, if you know it please let me know), so it’s nothing to be worried. But when I get around kissing a girl, or hugging, or… going a little further… well, I don’t know what I’ll do. In retrospective, I believe She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named saw this before I did and that’s why she did what she did. But I need to fix it soon, or else all my other efforts will be in vain.

 

So, what I learnt this week was:

1.- Bravery involves overcoming the things you don’t enjoy. Whether it’s something as simple as holding hands or as big as coping with destiny, it’s always needed, it can’t be avoided and it must be done with honour and self-respect.

2.- A friend, feelings apart, is always a good friend, and if you can get all of your friends together and being friends with each other then you’ll have an amazing time no matter what.

3.- Someday I’ll have to pay for the thousands of dollars in piracy I possess. But this is not that day!

Peace,

Écrivain

The B world is cooler than I thought

So… I just presenced a lesbian kiss. And I loved it.

A few minutes ago, the Hipster Crew was at the cafe fooling around, and Whovie was at the next table reading some fanfics. The guys were planning their spring break trip to another town and Thirteen, a girl on the group I haven’t mentioned, said she didn’t have the money to go. “I’m thinking on selling kisses at the street, $100 each) she joked… and then Rookie pulled out his wallet.
It all started as a joke; they were both laughing and joking, and then someone, I think Rainicorn, dared them to actually do it. This was personal now. Things escalated quickly, and before we even realised there were even terms and conditions. 20 seconds, no tongue. So everyone was cheering them up and laughing, and Pseudohipster pulled out her phone’s timer. After some playing and getting nervous, they eventually made out and everyone was screaming. [I think this is the perfect moment in this story to clear out that this happened at 3:30 in the afternoon and none of us was drunk nor high.]
So we were teasing them, and then Whovie yelled “Hey, I’m in, I want money too!”. We were surprised, and in a matter of seconds everyone was trying to bribe Okinawa into making out with Whovie. At the end she didn’t do it, but then Thirteen took the word again. “I’ll do it if we go somewhere more private”. We agreed on a price and everyone left to the football fields, marching like a gipsy caravan. we sat on the empty terraces (It’s the middle of April, we’re at 42°C, nobody’s gonna play any football) and they sat next to each other, Whovie putting on lipstick and everything (She looks so hot with red lipstick…)
“This one’s on me,” said Pseudogay, to which I could just reply “after this I’ll be your slave.”
At first Thirteen was nervous (not for kissing a girl, she’s bisexual) because she wasn’t really sure about doing it, but at the ennd she decided the money was better and they got on. Whovie pulled her to her lips and kissed her… it was so wild, so passionate, there was tongue and she even got hurt for it. It was just… wow. I could only think about one thing: if she’s this passionate with a game kiss, what would it be in bed? They took a while on splitting before realising nobody had a timer on and we were just watching. Everyone was shocked and a bit turned on, gay guys and straight girls included. (Maybe that’s just me projecting myself on them, but I swear they at least looked like they were). The surprise came even bigger when Whovie declared: “I had only kissed one person before this!”
Between joke and joke, everyone commenting on how wild Whovie was, she said “who’s next? same price!” and the yapping started again. I asked to be, half jokingly, half actually having a bit of hope, but she refused. For the look she gave me I could understand she wouldn’t do it with me because I have feelings for her.
The sad part… well, she said yes to Rookie (that dude is loaded). I tried to not care but I couldn’t avoid turning away when they kissed. Finally she moved away because his cigarette breath made her dizzy, and since it was already four o’ clock we all left to class because most of us are on exams and we didn’t want to be late.

It was nice. There was fun, there was laughter… there was a bit of sadness from my part, but nobody else has to know that, do they? So I’ll just look at the bright side of this day: I just saw two hot girls making out for show. Which is way more than I expected for this day. So I’ll go home, think about how life is weird and go write something for my book, which I should definitely do more often. I might post again tonight or tomorrow. See you!

Ps. As I’m writing this words I just saw a guy on a red striped dress, holding a signal stating “This is what happens to me for being an Americanista bitch”. Some people bet crazy things for football. I love my uni.