The Cold

Lately I haven’t been feeling well. Funny, though, considering all things happening in my life. Yet, I feel like I need something. Emotional drama, maybe, I don’t know. I read, I write, I play video games, I watch series, I have a ton of friends with whom I hang out and talk about what I want in life. I’m studying what I like in an awesome uni that is even offering me the chance to go to either Italy or Japan for a semester. And I am not happy.

I should be happy. I have nothing to complain about. I even found out the girl I like likes me back. but I don’t feel like there’s a reason for me to continue, to wake up tomorrow and get all Lego-Movie-like, singing EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!! and having fun. Why am I this way? What is missing in my life? What do other people have that I don’t?

Perhaps I’m about to have another episode. Those are never nice. I get all emo and thinking about how nobody loves me and I will die alone. And yes, I’m perfectly aware I need to get therapy, but not only I’m scared, I don’t have the time. My schedule is filled up with fun things that I don’t enjoy for some reason, and The Cold is probably coming back soon. I don’t like The Cold, it makes me want to kill myself, and then it reminds me that I’m too coward to do it and I feel even worst. It happens sometimes and I don’t know how to get rid of it. And then it leaves as easy as it came. I don’t understand why do I have to go through this.

This must be the reason people watch TV dramas and soap operas. Not for the plot, just… to feel something. In a world  where all your feelings are doped, at least that feels real. Even if it’s foolish to think María Isabel will be in a coma and she will never find her true love, at least it gives people something to feel.

At least I’m writing, and that’s good. I can let my emotions go through it. I need to do something stupid and dangerous, and I need to do it now. Maybe that way The Cold won’t come back. I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve figured out how to get it to leave.

I’m not tired, though I should, but I’m going to try to go to sleep right now. Wish me luck, dear readers, if any of you still read me. And please, if you know how to avoid The Cold, please tell me.



Good night, my dear readers.
This week I have been through several revelations that might give a turn to my future plans. Although I hadn’t planned anything so interesting, life has taken me to a place where I can see things clearly for the first time in a long time. Love is no longer my top priority as is fixing my emotional issues and now I’m determined to act. Kuáng doesn’t believe me, but I’m determined to solve it before I go after any girl.
To understand this new realisation, we must start from the begining. Once I returned to my city, Toph texted me; she wanted me to go to the movies with her, Sokka and Katara. Mixed feelings and everything, I decided it was a good idea to spend my Saturday, and they said they were going to see Captain America. You already know how much of a geek I am, so of course I accepted.
So we’re at the mall playing air hockey and Katara doesn’t show up. I already had experience with her being late and cancelling at the last minute, so I expected nothing, but the guys said she was coming and besides I didn’t want to spend the rest of the day alone with the ex-couple. Sadly, when she arrived nothing went as planned. To start, she couldn’t stay until the end of the movie because her parents are control freaks, and she wasn’t feeling well so she didn’t hang out with us too much. Also, Toph promised her that I’d pay for her stuff, which I don’t usually mind but she hadn’t told me and I hardly had enough moneyfor the weekend.
Anyway, we enter the movie (which was awesome, go watch it) but I Could’t sit next to her because… I don’t know, something about nachos. Anyway, the girls were talking about something secret, and as I watched the movie I realised something.
My backstory with Katara is too painful for me to write a retrospective, because she essentially broke my hearts and made me too self-conscious about asking someone out. I try to relieve she didn’t mean it, but it gets harder everytime. And now she’s dating this manipulative idiot who doesn’t trust her and thinks she’s cheating on him, but she refuses to see what’s going on because she loves him. I tried, we all tried to advice her but she just won’t listen. I have seen several cases of this and I can predict how it’s going to end.
Katara, for religious reasons, is not sexually active. But as I mentioned, her boyfriend is an idiot. Given her emotional vulnerability, he will manipulate her into doing it. Of course, they won’t use a condom because it was nothing planned, it just happened. She will get pregnant and go try to make him responsible, but he will claim that she’s a cheater and that baby is not his. Since there are family issues involved, she will not be able to demand a DNA test without causing her whole town to get crazy about it, not to mention she can’t afford it. At the end she’s going to be alone and depressed and having to take care of a child by herself. If she stays with her parents she will become a maid forever, and she doesn’t have anywhere to go. Except, perhaps, with the only person who has always been there for her.
I know I am going to sound like an idiot. Maybe I am. I don’t know.But I’ve tried my best and I can’t find a way to avoid this to happen. And here’s where I come in: she knows I won’t abandon her. I didn’t know until I was face-to-face with the truth: I am still in love with her. I thought I was over that but every time I see her it comes back. And although I do my best to deny it, to the point that I even believed it myself, she knows. She knows I won’t let her alone. And I want to be a good friend and help her get through this but… I think I might take the bullet.
It’s wrong, it’s going to make both of us unhappy and there will be no way back. I know thisin my rational head, now, when I’m feeling sane and I have a purpose. The problem is, I’m not always this way. I haven’t been diagnosed because I am scared of therapy, but I am pretty sure I have medical depression. If you have followed the blog you probably have noticed when I have this… episodes, where I feel extremely lonely and desperate to receive love. And my fear now is that Katara’s situation can take place at the time I’m having one of these episodes, and I might take a very, very stupid decision. I am not prepared to have a child, especially if it’s not mine. I am not prepared to be forced into marriage. I am not ready to quit school and I’m not eager to find a job. I need to write this down before I forget it. I can’t be a parent.
This is one of the things that most hurt me. On one hand, I feel obligated to help and support my friend in any way I can, but on the other one, it’s my life! I can’t throw it down the toilet for someone else, especially not someone who rejected me twenty-two times and the last one treated me like a piece of garbage (yes, I was that desperate, no need to say it, I was lonely). For my own good, I must get her out of my life. And that probably means leaving the whole High School Crew.
So, esentially, I’m going to act like an idiot and lose a big number of my friends so I don’t ruin my whole life because a friend who treated me like garbage is ruining hers which I completely predicted and tried to avoid but she didn’t listen and I decided to give up. Yeah, fail to see a prt of this that makes me not feel like a sociopath.

On happier news, I finally figured out what is going on with Whovie. the mixed signals, the weird chemistry, the out-of-place statements… it makes complete sense thanks to the new data I got.
I was doing a homework for a friend, Limes, because she bribed me with limes (my delicious addiction that recently became too expensive for me to get). She was asking me about me and Whovie, and I told her the whole story. And then she told me. One day, a year ago, she and the Clasroom Crew were teasing Whovie, just like they tease me about my crush. And this was the conversation that took place:
“So… you and Écrivain…” a blonde girl said. Whovie just laughed.
“You know he likes you, right?” added Potter.
Yeah, I know.” She smiled and continued. “He asked me out.
“Really? OMG when?” Limes was surprised. The three of them, actually; they didn’t think I would do it.
“Last semester, before we left for vacations, he invited me to the movies.”
“And what happened?”
“I couldn’t go, I had something else to do that day. Anyway, I don’t want to date anyone until I finish uni, I want to do things at their pace”
And then she changed the subject.

You might remember what she told me after I asked her. To be precise, a day after I asked her. “Sorry, that would be a date, no matter how you put it” and then she smiled and left. And this I could never understand: why did she make me wait for a whole day if she was going to say no? Most people do this when they’re going to say yes, to play difficult, so I was very confused by what happened.
And then everything clicked in my head.
She has never said No.

I was like the guy in The Hangover when he plays blackjack and solves all the maths in his head. Of course! that explains what happened. Why she told me the very first day we met that she didn’t want to date anyone before I even asked. Why did we have that weird spark in several ocassions, like when I saved her iPad and she looked like she wanted to hug me but she didn’t. Why she gets jealous when I give my attention to other girls. Why she’s always arguing with me about things that don’t make any sense. Why our relationship got colder when I fell in love with Curlz. Why she doesn’t want to stop having me around even though she knows very well I like her. Why she was surprised when I said it wouldn’t work out. She practically spelled it out and I was a fool, a humongous fool for not realising it. It was right in front of me the whole time and I never saw the elephant in the room.

She does want to date me, just not right now.

It all makes sense now. She has considered me as a potential romantic interest, and she doesn’t want to lose that oportunity. That’s why we’re still friends. So all this time not only i was worried for nothing, I almost ruined everything I wanted because I’m impatient. There is a chance, but it will take at least two years, if not more. So, why am I going to do with this new knowledge?

Absolutely nothing.

This is perfect. I don’t have to be worried about whether she likes me or not; I know she does. And I can focus on my other goals without the constant fear of loneliness. Right now, my goal is bravery, and I have to get there before I take any love-related choices. I also need to complete Mission Wheels, and I really would be happy if I could find a job and get my own place, at least rented, and leave my grandma’s house. The stars align, the some comes out and the time streams unravel.

There’s a lot more to talk about, but I have to write an essay for today and I don’t even have the title so I better leave it here. So, the three things I learnt:

1.- There are problems in life you can’t solve. If you can’t take everyone out of a building on fire, then you must at least get away before you too are trapped. Bravery means leaving behind the things that threaten you, no matter how hard it is.
2.- Sometimes you have the solution to the puzzle in front of your nose and you still can’t see it. In this ocassions, a good friend is your most valuable resource.
3.- Love can’t be hurried; if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen when it’s time, not before. One must learn to be patient no matter how dark everything looks, because it will get lighter.