Fuck it, no one will read this anyway.

I’m dumping the blog. I won’t delete it in case someday I might read it again, but I won’t write anymore.

I’m in my lowest peak. I hate myself, I hate my life, I can’t do anything right and I think my friends are starting to dislike me too. I’m doubting my faith, my sexuality and my future. I have no one to talk with about my problems; originally I thought maybe this blog would help but spending my nights typing all the shitty parts of my life is actually more depressing, and no one even pretends they care. not even a fucking sympathy like.

Whovie won’t happen. Curlz won’t happen. Neko won’t happen. Wendy won’t happen. Magikarp won’t happen. I am a socially crippled imbecile who can’t even make it clear when I’m romantically interested in someone. I will be alone. I won’t buy a car. I won’t stop living with two hoarders. I won’t stop being incapable of doing anything right. I will not graduate suma cum laude. I will not do a semester abroad. I will not publish a book.

There’s no point in my life. I fucking try to be optimistic, but it’s harder everyday. I’m just gonna roll on my bed and let myself die. I’m even too much of a coward to kill myself, so it will take a bit. But still, what do I lose? It’s not like I had anything to live for anyway. I’m not even a prodigy writer, I’m barely sort-of-good. I’m not a Tolkien. If anything, I’m a Coelho.

This is probably my last post. I just have to say the three things I learnt while doing this blog:

1.- Life is unfair. Good people do good things and help the others and end in a pit of misery. Bad people do bad things and they fucking get everything they want.

2.- People don’t care about you. Not your friends, not your family, definitely not strangers on the internet. You’re alone in life and you must learn to live with that.

3.- Not everyone receives love. No matter how hard you try, there is people who are destined to it, and there is people who are destined to solitude. Get used to it, it won’t go away.

Don’t bother.



Is anyone there?

I’m seriously considering quitting this blog. I’ve had exactly one view the last month. I thought that maybe if I wrote about my life I’d feel better about it and find the way to fix my problems, but all I see is a record of all my cringe-worthy attempts to get a girl to give a shit about me. If anyone is out there, please give me a single reason to not give up on life and accept that my fate is to live long and die alone. Give me a sign, whatever, I don’t care. I just need to stop feeling like I’m going to miserably fail in the only thing I’m not good at, which happens to be the only important thing in life. I suck with people and I really want to change that, but the more I try, the more I see myself as a joke. This is not life.

Flirting, writing and connecting

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Here I am again, this time to deliver what I left with. So sit down, grab some popcorn and let the fun begin!

I guess I should start saying that my date for Monday didn’t take place. I texted Neko a few hours prior to confirm, but she replied that she couldn’t go because she didn’t have any money. This felt odd and I suspected that, again, she failed to understand my invitation or was simply trying to reject me softly, so I tried to find out by explaining that I was paying. However, after the clock marked 1:30, the time of our date, I realised it was not going to happen. I went to the café feeling quite down, but the guys cheered me up with some news: Rainicorn planned to make pizzas on Tuesday after school.

Tuesday came quickly and with it a lot of rehearsal. I had to do a Phonetics presentation with Ezio (Italian classmate, Kung Fu student, Neko’s friend) and Mel was helping us to practice a scene from the TV show Sherlock. After either seeing or making up some interesting looks from her, I told her to ask him out, and after a lot of arguing we semi-agreed on a double date with one of her friends. The plan to meet her was for her to come to the presentation on Wednesday, but she got sick and couldn’t go. On the plus side, the presentation was a success. But back to Tuesday, after my epistemology exam I went to Rainicorn’s to catch up with the guys. After a lot of fun and eating people started to leave, and I ended with Rainicorn, Pseudogay and Isaac, some mate I didn’t know yet but who ended up being pretty neat. Long story short, they convinced me to do a Just Dance 2014 match against Pseudogay with one of the gayest songs ever choreographed. I was on a sugar rush and I actually won, which was amazing considering that was the first time I danced ever. That ended up with me chasing Rainicorn all around the house trying to take his phone to delete a video that was already online anyway, so… bad luck for me. But I had a pretty good time, and I got to do something new and that required a lot of confidence I didn’t know I had, so I think I’m getting better with my social skills.

At the end of the day I checked my phone and Neko had sent a text. She said she was sorry for not coming, that she wasn’t at home and she asked me when we could meet again. Two seconds too late I remembered Mel’s friend, right after telling Neko I was available next Monday.

And today I had a pretty deep talk with Whovie. It started with the Ender saga but somehow it changed to her life story. Sometimes I forget she’s older than me, so I didn’t know she was a child when the worst economic recession in Mexican history took place. I was just born then but she was like three and had a brother my age, so it was a pretty rough time to be broke. I’m not going to write details because some of the stuff she told me were kind of private, but to put it simple, she told me her family’s underdog story. And when she talked about those times she got sentimental; she was smiling but I saw her eyes get watery. Still, the way she put it, even with all the troubles she had a nice family life, though her school life was pretty bad considering what she said on Tuesday. Sometimes I feel sad for her, because she’s so lonely and doesn’t trust many people with her problems or her feelings. I’m one of the few lucky people she tells this things, and yet she won’t call me friend, because the word is too important for her to give it to anyone who asks. She never tells her problems to many people, but even if she doesn’t say it, I think I’m at least slightly important for her, because what she told me on her car last time and what she told me today were things I think nobody else has heard in a while. She tells me about her feelings, the real ones, not just the fangirl heap. That’s why I don’t write any of it here, I would never betray her trust that way. And later on, playing Katawa Shoujo, one of the characters gave me the advice I needed. I don’t remember the exact words, but it was something along the lines of “she’s not going to let people help her because she can get over it easily, but it’s still a good thing that you look after her”. So that’s what I’ll do. I’m not going to push anything, but I’ll be her friend, no matter what she does or the way she calls me. I’m going to be there for her because that’s what friends do.

Earlier today, to make justice to the title, I got a skype conversation with an alleged MIT student. He was making some marketing study for a writing app he’s helping develop, and I got offered a beta test after they found one of my stories in Reddit. So I made the survey and left him my contact info, which means that when the beta is ready I’m going to have to write seriously, in regular lapses. I might make a serial. I’m going to start planning it soon. I might become big! And a few minutes ago I got a confirmation from Neko to go out on Monday… I’m not sure anymore. I kind of gave up on her after what happened this week, and besides I already promised to Mel to try with her friend. But I got myself in this situation so I’ll find my way out. For now, I have two dates and zero cash, so this might get fun.



I have a real date now!

Hello! I know I’ve been away, it’s just, well, everything.

After my job interview a few weeks ago, I was told that I should give a test class so the teacher could verify that I really know what I claim I know, which is actually more than what I actually know, because my dad’s friend told him I’m about to graduate and if I say otherwise a lot of people will get mad with each other. Anyway, a week ago I had to give my first class. I was nervous and didn’t really know what to do, much less what to expect from this young students or myself. And guess what?

I freaking nailed it.

My test group was composed by tweens! Kids between 11-15 years old, all too shy to be excellent but too curious to not learn. The best thing about working with those groups is that they’re young enough to be impressed but old enough to behave, so it was easy to control them without boring them, and I think they actually liked the class because at the end they asked if I’d be giving them all the classes. Sadly I couldn’t, because the schedules interfere with church and since I have a major charge there (didn’t I tell you? I’m secretary of education!) I obviously can’t stop going. Not that I would, anyway. The point is, the class was a success, they learnt everything they had to and I developed a feedback technique that can’t fail now that I’m officially hired as an ESL teacher. Everybody say huzzah!

In other news, after talking to the guys they made me see something. Neko accepted to go out with me, which means that either a) she does not have a boyfriend, or b) she’s not doing well with him and they’re about to break up. And after I talked with them I decided that if she does have it and doesn’t tell me, then it’s not my responsibility to avoid cheating. So I asked her again and she said yes, even though I almost blew it all (I was going to take her to the school’s café – shut up, I haven’t dated in five years, it’s normal that I make mistakes). We ended up agreeing on sushi and we’re going to the mall tomorrow after school. I must confess, I’m nervous about it. Since She-who-must-not-be-named all my experiences in the dating world were eating with platonic friends, which is in practice equivalent to zero. But I’m confident I can make it through this, and who knows, I might even get a girlfriend.

But as I told you a few days ago, we’re in the Darkest Timeline, which means that not everything will come out as expected. I was checking my academic email a few days ago and I noticed something I hadn’t seen before. An email from my online teacher, sent on holidays, with the grades updated to date. Apparently, the instructions she gave us were poorly written (which is pretty ironic considering that the class is Writing) so the deadline for all homework was… 24 hours before the date I submitted them. Every week. For three months. Which means I have a zero on that subject. I’m going to try to appeal, but it’s pretty certain that I’ll fail, so this means I can no longer graduate suma cum laude. I’ll have to do research, and that’s going to be tough. But if I take the subject again next semester, I could still apply for student exchange next year, which means I could do my research in Italy. I’m going to have to think something about Latin. I just need to do the best I can to pass this time, because it’s my last chance, and I need to get a CILS certification level B2 next semester to apply. So I must hurry.

And yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, I taught my first official class as a professional. My group was pretty small (six kids, ages 10 to 16) and I tested in them my feedback technique. All throughout the class I told them to ask me things. “It doesn’t even have to be about English, you can ask me about anything at all. The point is not only solving doubts, but also giving you the habit of making questions. I want you to feel comfortable asking anything; there are no dumb questions, only dumbs who don’t question”. And it worked! The kids asked me about everything, from how many languages I speak to why is English pronounced in so many weird ways (long story short, 90% of the language is foreigner). Also what’s my opinion about dubstep, what kind of shows I watch and what Chemistry studies. At first they were all weirded out but by the end of the class they could easily ask anything and know I would answer. I want them to know there are people out there they can trust, so I want them to be curious about everything. It worked for me.

I have more to talk about but tomorrow I have two presentations and a date, so I should be going to sleep by now. I’ll update you as soon as I can. See you!



The Darkest Timeline

The Darkest Timeline


Dear readers, Greendale students, fellow fanboys and fangirls, brace yourselves to hear the tales of this doomed writer, whose fate got sealed from the start of this week. Because this is my darkest timeline.

It all started on Wednesday. I went to Japanese class expecting to find my friends happy and my homework rated. What I first heard, instead, was dooming.

“Écrivain,” the sensei said, “Your exam was far from excellent. Your grammar was lacking a lot, and I can hardly read your hiragana properly. I don’t know what happened to you, but you need to focus more.”

It was shocking. Unlike the last semester, which I failed because I didn’t know enough kanji, this time I’ve been studying hard and doing my homework. I was confident my exam was going to be great; after all, I’m not even learning new topics, I’m just retaking the course. This didn’t make any sense, though I felt something was off. I tend to be paranoid about that stuff, so I didn’t listen carefully.

Later that day, I was cheerfully talking to one of my friends about what happened with Neko, when she realized something.

“Wait. You don’t mean Neko from our French class…”

“4’8”, straight hair, cute eyes, yes.”

“Écrivain, I’m not sure you know this, but… she’s Mary’s cousin’s girlfriend. At least she was until New Year, she said he took her to the family party. And they were together a year ago, so… I’m sorry.”

So this was even more interesting. Neko has a boyfriend. Which she never even mentioned before, when she talked about not having friends and made me go shoplifting candy with her. Damn, I’ve been such an idiot. I talked to Kyle, Jen, Wendy and Whovie about it, and they say if she agreed to go out with me maybe it’s because things with him are bad and she actually likes me, but I don’t know if I could do it. I was cheated on once, and I hated it, and I hated myself, for a long time. I don’t think I could participate in that on the other side. Whovie says it’s only cheating if there’s sex. Jen says it’s if there’s kissing. Wendy thinks it’s a matter of feelings. And Kyle… well, he doesn’t talk much. Anyway, I still have to decide what to do, because I said a lie and cancelled our date. I might ask her out again one of these days. Or not, who knows.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I spent the night fighting with the sheets or something.

On Thursday I thought ‘hey, maybe the writing club will cheer me up a bit’. Guess what? After talking it through, and seeing how we’re only four people and some can’t even go every week, and the semester is ending, the writing club’s activities are suspended until August. A shiver came down my spine when I had to say it out loud. And then I went home to check my finances… yeah, I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but the business is low. Dead, actually. I have hardly sold a day and a half of products this week. And all I could think about was, “this feels like… foreshadowing.”

After another night of no sleep, I went to school to find out that most of my classes were suspended for Mother’s Day (don’t ask). So this reminded me: the church does this thing every year where, the night before, all the teens and young adults get together and go house by house singing to their mothers. I figured out that might cheer me up; after all, I haven’t sang in… a year, now that I think about it. I never sing. It’s kind of sad. So I texted the usual organisers and they added me to a WhatsApp group, where after hours and hours of trying to come up with something…

You guessed it.

This doesn’t make any sense! How can everything be falling apart so quickly? Besides the job interview (where I was practically forced to accept, and the boss plans to exploit me) everything happening to me in the last three days has been awful.

All I had left was Reddit. At least does guy never bring back news… except now they do, just for today.

When I read it, I couldn’t believe it. And then, suddenly, all the pieces fitted in their places.

It was true.

There was only one explanation for what’s going on.

This is the Darkest Timeline.


Something happened. Something changed the balance of the universe. Maybe a dice, or a coin, or rock-paper-scissors. But the multiverse expanded, and there’s no way out. Or is there?

I have to go, I need to make a cardboard goatee to wear until I can grow a real one. I must find my way back to the original timeline. With some luck, I’ll escape to a better place. Somewhere cool. Cool cool cool. See you soon, my dear friends. Enjoy your night, sleep peacefully, and do not think of an elephant.

I’ve got a date! Sort of…

…And Whovie knows about it. This is going to be an interesting story, so sit down, grab a glass of lemonade and let’s talk.

This week I had a few off days, in which I started watching Sherlock and Game of Thrones. About the former, it’s an amazing show, it has a spark of life that the franchise really needed. It’s written by Stephen Moffat, A.K.A. Doctor Who’s serial hearts-breaker, and Mark Gatiss, A.K.A A guy  I heve never heard of but who apparently has worked on Doctor Who too and is pretty talented, both writing and acting. The show revives the spirit of the original Sherlock Holmes in a way no previous remake could, and I’d go far enough to say it might become better than the original because, while Arthur Conan Doyle hated his creation and wrote half his stories just to shut people off, Moffat and Gatiss love him and work hard to make the audience do it too.

About the latter there’s not much to say, you’ve seen it online, it’s a lot of murder, incest and unforgettable weddings.

But you came here to see romance, and romance is… well, I’m going to try to give it to you.

Today I was with Ragazza and another two friends (who we’ll call Jim and Jane, because I’m tired of making up clever names to people I probably won’t mention again), killing some time before our tests. We were talking about our plans for holidays when I saw a certain girl coming out of the bathroom a few metres away. I decided I should say hello, so I walked up to her and made some small talk (achievement unlocked). And then I thought of something.

“You know,” I said, “we don’t hang out much lately, we should do something one of these days.”

“Well, I haven’t seen you in a while… but maybe it’s because I haven’t been showing up to class a lot lately” she said, half-blushing. “So when are you free?”

“Well, I have a couple of hours this Thursday, we could have lunch or something.”

“Then Thursday it is! I gotta go, I have a class in a minute. See you!”

And that was it. I’m still not sure if it counts as a date, seeing that we both have classes before and after the time we agreed and thus we would have to remain at school or at least very close, but it’s a start. It’s been years since my last date, so I think I might as well count this as one. We didn’t discuss what we’re doing, so I still have to come up with something, but hopefully if I sleep on it I get a cool idea.

Anyway, I went back to my guys and I told them what happened. Jane was not very surprised.

“Isn’t she…”

“Yes, she is.”

“Didn’t you like her last year?”

“Hum… well…”

“Oh, come on, you’re not cheating me, I know you did.”

“All right,” I admitted, “I did like her. Maybe now things can work. What do you guys think about her?”

“I think she looks nice,” Ragazza said. “Good luck with your date!”

And so I departed, to the massacre formerly known as the Japanese Oral Test.

A few hours later, I was in the class I have with Whovie; we were “working” on teams (even though everyone, students and teacher, knew we weren’t doing anything) and I thought this was as good a moment as any to bring up the subject.

“So, guys,” I cheerfully said, “guess who got a date?”

“Really?” Whovie answered. “What’s his name?”

“Ha-ha. Very funny.”

“Relax, I’m just fucking with you.”

“No you’re not,” I observed, “that’s why I have a date.”

She started to fake gagging and everyone laughed. The teacher asked us to keep it quiet and I talked again.

“So… Whovie, remember Neko, the girl from our French class last year?


“The small girl, big eyes, I talked to her a lot…”

“under 5” tall, super-straight hair?”


“Blue contacts, I borrowed her phone once?”

“That’s the same.”

“Mhm. Nice one, good luck.”

“Well… that’s why I wanted everyone’s opinion.” The other three guys (now Kyle, Mel and Wendy) looked at me. “The thing is, I’m dating this girl, she’s cool and everything, and we’re both nineteen. The problem is that she looks way younger than she is, and I’m told I look older than I am, so I’m a bit concerned.”

Everyone looked at me like I’d just showed them the trailer of Sleeping Dogs Lie.

“Why?” said four people at the same time, almost getting the teacher to pretend she cared about our noise again.

“Well… I don’t want people to look at us and think I’m a paedophile or something like that.”

I don’t know the English name for the “you’re just talking nonsense, don’t be ridiculous” sound, but that’s what they all did.

“Come on,” “Wendy said, “There’s no age to love!”

“And you said you’re both nineteen, so what’s the problem?” Kyle added.

“Don’t give a damn about what people say, it’s your life,” continued Mel.

“Besides,” said Whovie, “She doesn’t look that young. I mean, she’s petite and cute, but she has her curves, she doesn’t look like a child. I know, I wouldn’t do it with a child.”

“Wait, you did what?” I said, almost unable to contain my voice.

“I’m just kidding! Though I would if I had the chance…”

The topic changed back to Whovie then, like it always does, and Mel started to ask her about her love life. They apparently have a lot in common. And for what Whovie said, I finally got my head around the idea that ‘us’ won’t happen, because what she described as her ideal couple was someone who didn’t pay her attention and just called her to have rough sex, which exactly the opposite of my intentions with her (not the rough sex part, I could work on that, I meant the not paying attention). She essentially asked to be Bella Swan, and I’m more a Jacob guy than a- why the fuck am I using Twilight metaphors?

At the end I came home to find a last, pleasant surprise: my dad called, he says one of his friends is looking for an English teacher for a private school, and since I study Languages I might be able to get the job (standards are really low around here). I’m not really into teaching but the money is decent and Mission Wheels is priority, so I asked for the details and requirements and if I’m lucky I might get it. Let’s cross fingers!

I’m starting to think the three morals at the end of each post are kind of cheesy, so I don’t think I should keep writing them. If anyone thinks the opposite, be free to comment.