A shoulder to cry on

Hello! Remember how I said I wouldn’t play more illegally downloaded video games? Yeah… I threw that out the window today. But there’s a lot to talk about right now, so we might as well start!

This week and the next one I’m on vacations, and I finally got the time to relax and work on all those things I’ve been leaving unattended. My book is going great; I write almost a page per day, and I’m confident this will be the final draft. I also got more time to read and play video games, and today I downloaded Bioshock because everyone says it’s an awesome game and why on Earth haven’t I played it yet. I really wanted to stick to my only-Free-To-Play-games policy, but I quickly found out that the list is limited to a) Life-sucking MMORPGs, b) Indie games with little to none support from companies and c) Team Fortress 2. And I’m already playing B and C, so I don’t think I should add A to the list.

In other news, Toph asked me to help her with English, because she’s almost failing and she needs a perfect score to pass so she can switch major. So this Monday and Tuesday we’ve been at the library working pretty well. But yesterday she just started rambling about how she still can’t get over Sokka. And then it happened. Out of nowhere, she began to talk about how she never really had any friends until she met us, and then she told me a lot about how she feels with herself and with her life. It was shocking. I heard her talk and it was like hearing my own thoughts, those so deep that I haven’t even posted here yet. I wanted to give her some advice, but I just couldn’t, because that would’ve been hypocrite. I just listened and tried to appear strong for her. At the end we ended up talking about how she was going out with him today and needed my help to sneak out. I didn’t like very much the idea and I told her, but I greed to help her just this once.

After all that, I came home to find Katara online and publishing emo Facebook statuses. I opened the chat window and she told me: the douche left her. I thought I would be happy for her when this happened, but she was devastated. She said he was her first true love and she couldn’t live without him. And for the first time, I did not want to say “I told you so”. I felt bad about the sole thought of it. And again, all I could do was help her release all her pain, to cry out everything she feels. I will be giving her advice, but it won’t be now.

And today I got dragged into a date that wasn’t mine. After a twelve-hour marathon of Community I got a text from Toph reminding me about our “lesson”. I went to the city park expecting to see her mother, lie about how we were going to study at the café two blocks away and then take her to the movies where she’d get together with him and I’d go back home to keep doing illegal downloads and watching meta sitcoms. Instead, I went there to find Toph alone, waiting for me to take her to get an ice cream while waiting for Sokka, who didn’t show up until two and a half hours later. I was a bit annoyed because it was not the way I planned to do things but at least we got time to talk about several things, including that Toph says I should try to get Whovie jealous and offered herself as the bait. Despite the fact that she lives in a different city, I think it’s an interesting idea. I might give it a try.

And a few hours ago I got to rehearse with my dad and my sister: the choir is singing tomorrow at church and I’ll be joining them. I’ll try to sneak a recorder so I can post an audio file here. Wish me luck! J

So, the three things I’ve learnt this week:

1.- Friendship is a good part of love, and it means to be there to listen when your friends are feeling sad. Sometimes a good ear is better than all the words in the world.

2.- When you really care about someone, you don’t feel the need to say “I told you so”. They know you told them, all they need is your support, don’t be harsh.

3.- Downloading piracy is fun, no matter what the FBI says.

Peace,

Écrivain

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I spat it out! [End of Whovie & Curlz saga]

Well… I finally did it.

I just told Whovie how I feel about her. I know it took me too long, I know it wasn’t the best moment for it, but… I’ll tell you about it later. First, I got some other little things I want to share.

This week I had a school holiday and a national holiday, resulting in a five-day weekend. It was nice to finally get some decent sleep, but my computer decided she didn’t want to keep working so I had to go to Zuko’s house so he helped me fix it. We were watching How I Met Your Mother while the computer rebooted, and I finally found some useful advice. For those who don’t know it, the show is about Ted Mosby, a guy on the future who is telling his children… well, the title pretty much explains it. Anyway, Ted was talking about someone he found from the past, and when she rejected him, she told him the reason: he would never be able to move on until he dealt with his feelings about Robin.

And then I saw the light. That was why I ruined my last relationship, the one after She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I won’t be able to move on until I fix things with Whovie. And yesterday Pseudogay gave me an advice that really, really helped: “Why don’t you tell her in another language? You both speak English, French, Italian and Japanese; just use the one that makes you feel more comfortable.”

So after a lot of preparing for the worst and talking to some friends, the opportunity came. I was coming from Japanese class (BTW, did I mention my six-months-old cousin already understands my Japanese? I’m so proud! Ok, enough with the distractions. But I really love my cousin, she’s so cute!) and I went to the café to meet with the Hipster Crew. Whovie was there, ranting with Rainicorn about some things I do not wish to talk about on this blog, and I joined the conversation. After a while, the rest of the crew started to arrive and Rainicorn started to talk to them.

Now, this is the important part. I want to clarify first that the start of this conversation was a joke, and not a real attack. It’s easy to confuse situations in a written form, so to avoid any undeserved antipathy against Whovie, the lines that were told as a joke will be on italics. I will not add nor remove anything from this conversation, so you can get it as perfect as possible, and since it was in English there will be no translation issues.

“I need a lovaaaaaaah!” Whovie said, talking about something she saw on Tumblr. Nobody else was paying her attention at that point, so I decided to take a chance.

“I’m available…”

“Yeah, no thanks, I’m not desperate.”

“Well… ouch…”

“I’m just kidding. I’m kind of a bitch sometimes. No offence.” She really meant this part.

This was followed by some non-relevant-for-the-conversation talking to herself out loud (she tends to do that). After a minute, when I realised nobody on the table cared about what we were talking about, so I finally got the guts. I told to myself “this is it, this is your one and only chance” and after she stopped talking, I finally spoke.

“I was serious about it, you know?” I said.

“’Bout what?”

“I do like you. Like, for real.” (Let me add that I don’t sound smart at all when I’m not writing. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.)

“Oh. Yeah, I know.”

I was surprised to hear that.

“You do?”

“Yep. I just didn’t want to be a bitch about it; I tried to stay friendly, ‘cos I really didn’t want to stop being friends.”

And that blew my head. She knew! She always knew!

“So, if you knew, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I did.”

“Did you? When?”

“That time on first semester, when you asked me out. Don’t you remember?”

“Well, yeah, I just thought you didn’t…”

I didn’t want to say that. I wanted to say a ton of things. For example, that I talked to like ten people and they all agreed that what she told me could be interpreted as a “maybe” more than a “not gonna happen”. Or that she was really confusing with her reactions. Or that I’m just a fool who confused dreams with possibilities. Or that she didn’t have to act like a bitch or ignore the topic, she could just talk to me about it and I’d handle it like an adult. Or simply ask if this was a “perhaps someday” or a “never in life” answer.

But I didn’t. Because I suck at talking. So I came up with the dumbest line I could think about.

“Of course I did” she said, with a friendly smile, and even when I knew my questions were never going to be answered, and that I was definitely not going to date the girl of my dreams… It felt good. It felt good to finally know, to finally understand the reason of all that confusing behaviour, and that even if my illusion wasn’t going to become true, at least I could count on being friends with one of the most amazing and unique people I’ve ever know. And I knew it was the right thing.

“Meh, It couldn’t work anyway” I said, preparing my things to leave.

“Why not?” She was surprised. “Is it because I’m too weird?” she added, with an inquiring look.

“Nah, it’s not that. In fact, that’s the main reason I like you” I said, half joking, half telling the truth. And since everyone else was starting to say goodbye, I just said a general “Ci vediamo!” and left, happy to have finally done it.

So there you have it. Whovie will be just a nice memory for my treasure box. I learnt a lot from this experience; most of it is on the blog, some things I just kept them in my hearts (Whovians have two, deal with it). But even if she rejected me, I’m still a lonely boy in the pursuit of love, so I’ll have to look at other horizons.

And finally, the three things I learnt from this experience:

1.- There are different kinds of love, and different kinds of relationships. Sometimes romantic love is the way to go, and sometimes friendship is. Friendship is a form of love too, and in some cases even more lasting. We might not be the Doctor and River, but we’re the Doctor and Donna, and they had their good time of fun. Really, watch the show!

2.- I found out that I’m more scared of the doubt than of the question. Even when the answer is negative, it’s better than uncertainty. So don’t chicken out! Be brave, get guts, find the moment and spit it out! Even a rejection is a victory if you get over your fears.

3.- I got over two girls I was in love with this week. One of them disappointed me, the other one helped me let it go. So now I have to wander around until I find something interesting to post on this blog. It could take a week or it could take six months, but I fall in love easily, so it’ll probably take a week. In the mean time, I have many things to do! I need to practice my languages, study for the CILS, preside the writing club, prepare my research to get the Venice scholarship, get therapy, reconnect with my old friends and get money for a car. So I will keep on life and see what destiny brings to me. Maybe it’s better than Whovie. Maybe it’s a learning experience. But for now, I’ll just wait.

If you like the blog, share it with your friends. If you find my school interesting and want to study Languages really cheap and with awesome teachers from all around the world, email me to the.translator.rhts@gmail.com and I can give you info and make the arrangements, as long as you speak some Spanish and promise to not reveal my identity. If you have any advice for me or the other readers, comment! It doesn’t matter if the entry is old, I’ll answer and someone will read it. And if you want to be part of Mission Wheels, email me too; I could really use a few extra bucks. My goal is to buy a van and turn it into a TARDIS, so I might post some photos, and I definitely will put your name on it somewhere visible. This story will continue sooner than even I expect. Don’t stop following, I promise there will be some cool stories. My friends are weird, my baby cousins are learning Japanese and I’m about to start a web serial with my friends, so sure there’s material.

Peace,

Écrivain Solitaire

Ps: Also, if you want to hire me to translate English to Spanish or vice versa, there’s my email. I’ll soon add Portuguese to that list.

 

 

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

-Sam, The Perks of being a Wallflower

19°C and I’m freezing!

This few days I haven’t done much. And that’s a lousy sentence to start a post. (Personal note: the first topic to discuss in the writing club will be opening lines.)

As you might remember, the last few days my town has been suffering floods and cold, or what is cold for local standards, that I’m sure would pass by a sunny summer in other places. The average temperature is 17-21°C, and although that might sound nice for people reading this, keep in mind that we’re used to call fresh days to 35°C, which is almost all year excepting for a few weeks of winter and a few weeks of summer. And this came with some cartoonish consequences:

First, the pets are going crazy.

I haven’t said this before, but my family has four pets: three parakeets and a guinea pig. They’re usually happy and playful (except the one that bites and thinks he’s an all-mighty monarch), but the cold air and the sound of rain scare the birds and make them cry to go inside, something that they can perfectly do by flying or walking but won’t unless someone goes out to the backyard to get them. The guinea pig couldn’t care less about the coldness, though, but he likes to run around and lay on the floor, and he can’t do it when it’s wet and sticky. So now they’re screaming all day (or however that sound is called, right now I couldn’t care less) until my dad puts on some classical music and they simply follow the rhythm. It’s actually cute, as long as you don’t spend the whole day right next to them.

Second, I spend the whole day right next to them.

When the weather is cold, my knee hurts. I have an old injury that I refuse to get operated, but it limits my walking skills. And recently all public transportation raised their prices because a new tax was added (I hope a dementor catches you, EPN) so that’s not an option either. As a result, I have only gone out three times after New Year: once to go to the church, once to go to a certain event where my dad needed help and once because a friend came, which I’ll tell later. I get by doing anything that doesn’t require leaving my bedroom, which believe it or not can get pretty weird. A few days ago, for example, I was playing Team Fortress 2 online and got in a new server. It was the Sawmill map and there was a sniper standing right out of the spawn point. At first it just looked weird; it wasn’t doing anything, it was like if the player had left the computer and went to do something else…

Something more fun than the game.

And he wasn’t alone.

Yep, you guessed it.

They were banging. Through the speakers it was perfectly clear how they were having sex, and they might or might not have known that they left the mic on. It was awkward to hear them moaning, and when the screaming started I just disconnected. I didn’t know what to do; it was a weird situation, even for my standards. I mean, you expect those things happening on World of Warcraft or GTA, not on TF2. And later that day I found a server where all sounds were replaced with My Little Pony recordings. I just quit and didn’t play the rest of the day.

So after this reminder on what the internet really consists of, last Saturday a friend came to visit my. It was my only middle school friend with whom I keep in contact, and he insisted on going by the name of Sylar after I made him watch Heroes back in 2007. We had fun; we talked about old times and about our current lives and he told me he’s planning on getting married. Not yet, but in around two years. I’m very happy for him although I’m a bit worried about his future. He hasn’t even started uni yet, and he’s in his longest relationship, so I don’t know what to tell him. I just said I support him and he said I was going to be his best man. He’s the second one to ask me that, and I’m starting to worry. Am I suffering some masculine version of the Maid of Honour Syndrome? Will I see all my friends get married and stay behind?

Mhm, I don’t know, maybe I’m just paranoid.

Anyway, I started reading a fanfic I found: it’s called Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality. It’s fantastic; I would even say it’s better than the original book. The premise is simple: in an alternate universe Aunt Petunia married a biochemist, and Harry grew up in science and science fiction. After finding out about magic he decided to conquer both fields to essentially become a god. All right, maybe it’s not that simple. But if you like fanfics and Harry Potter you should read it, it’s amazing.

I have not much to say, so I will leave it at that until I get new adventures. And the three lessons of this week were:

1.- People on the internet will fill anything and everything with sex and/or ponies. Be careful when you browse.

2.- I’m old. My friends are already thinking about marriage and I haven’t even had a girlfriend in almost five years. I must find love before it’s too late.

3.- If I ever hear parakeets singing the Nutcracker again I swear I will jump off a bridge. Otherwhise I’m perfectly sane, please don’t worry.

Peace,

Écrivain

Am I a wallflower?

Today has been a difficult day, and I have been thinking about a lot of things. I arrived at the uni to do my Portuguese oral test and I must say I performed poorly. I got a good note but I think the teacher gave it to me just because I was fine in the other stages and she likes me being on her class. I think that maybe if I hadn’t had that “I hate the only Brazilian person slightly connected to my life” phase I would’ve done it better. But I guess I just have to work hard to take back my old rhythm.

In other topic, a few days ago I was talking with my French classmates about school and sharing points of view on what should each of us work in. And Potter, a girl from my Nerd crew, pointed out my biggest issue.

“Écrivain, you need to work on your voice” she said. “You can’t read aloud, nobody hears you”.

“Well, it’s not my fault, It’s just I’m not used to talk to people.”

Awkward silence. Everyone staring at me. I had to fix things.

“It’s not a big deal! I just happen to be used to be alone.”

More awkward silence.

“C’mon! I spent half my childhood and all of my puberty in the library, you can’t expect—all right, I’m a loner, stop looking at me like I’m a dead puppy!”

Somebody made a joke and we started talking about something else, but in my head I was feeling bad. I mean, I’ve always known I’m a lonely person, and that I spend more time by myself than most people, but I never realised how much. It was like discovering that the way your private parts look is not normal: you might suspect that you’re different but you’ve never really had something to compare with. But I just found out that the private parts of my soul (if that’s a thing) are severely damaged, to the point that I have developed a learning difficulty for that. I can’t read aloud. And I can hardly yell, now that I think so. There are a few abilities that everyone should have and those two are on the list. And in that moment I turned really self-conscious and started to notice how big my loneliness really is. And by the time all of my friends started to talk about an old book: The Perks of Being a Wallflower. So I decided that I should read it and I downloaded it to my tablet (I don’t pay for anything until I proved that it’s worth it).

The book is about Charlie, a nerd teenager with writing skills, not too many but open minded friends, and over all, lonely. He’s described as a wallflower in the original book, but I’m reading the translated version and it hurts a little. There’s no equivalent of “wallflower” in Spanish, so the translators changed it for “margined” (“invisible” in the movie). And I could not help but think how much I have in common with Charlie. I haven’t finished the book because I don’t give it too much time (I’m also reading Wild Cards), but I think that Charlie’s life is really sad. And I started thinking. Is my life sad? Am I missing important experiences? Am I a margined?

I believe I should do something about it, but I don’t know where to start. First of all, how does someone meet new people? All the friends I have came by forced interaction: my classmates, my classmates’ friends or couples, or my clients. I don’t really know someone that I can say I looked for and became friends with. How do regular people find friends? How hard is it? Will I get in problems if I say something inappropriate? And how do I know what is appropriate and what is not? It looks like a really difficult task, and I think it will take me time to decipher it.

Luckily I got a practice exercise today: I found an old High School classmate at the bus to my home town. We talked for an hour and a half about how school was and what were our plans. It was nice, but I did notice several awkward silences. And during that time in my head was echoing “Wallflower, wallflower, wallflower”. It was horrible. I must get rid of that now. For now I will just finish the book, maybe Charlie’s experiences work for me too.

But tonight it became difficult with my parents. The thing is, my family is a very religious one, and pretty conservative. So when my father found out in one of his jobs that one of my best friends is bisexual I had a long talk with them. They quoted me the Bible and everything. They say he’s a dangerous person (even though they thought he was cool a few weeks ago) and that he could drug me and rape me. I told them I know him and how he is, and that if he wanted to hurt me he would have already done it. But they didn’t listen to anything and they really want me to stop seeing him. They said it was an advice only, but I know them, and I know it’s not. If they ever find out that I was hanging out with him I will get in troubles. That makes me sad, because Scrubs (I’ll call him that now) is one of my best friends, but it got me to think. How many of my current friends are gay or bisexual? Pseudogay, Aristocat, Scrubs… but the one that worries me more is Whovie. How could I ever tell my parents I’m in love with an agnostic, tattooed, pansexual girl that believes everyone should do anything they ever have in mind doesn’t matter how unreasonable that is? (I want to clarify that last point is not about homosexuality, but about society in general.) My beliefs say that homosexuality is wrong, but that doesn’t mean I should throw rocks to any gay person I know, right? I’m supposed to be an example, not a threat. And I knew my dad had some homophobic ideas, but I never knew how firm they were about it. Now I hear that I must tell a friend to get lost because he’s bi. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I’m pretty sure that’s not what the Bible tries to say when they talk about the topic. Anyway, since this is not a religious blog and this is a controversial topic I think I maybe cut it here.

At the end, it turns out that my parents support my desire of making new friends by getting rid of those that I already have. So I guess I’ll just keep being a wallflower.

And the three things that I learnt today were…

1.- You don’t choose who you love, you just have to learn to accept them, even if it’s difficult.

2.- Being lonely is not a bad thing… until you think about it. Then it becomes a horrible nightmare.

3.- I must become better at Portuguese and leave my personal life out of it.

Peace,

Écrivain